Being Me

My wife said something to me this morning that resonated with me during my meditation.  It also flowed with what I woke up thinking.  I think that during my life, for a variety of reasons, I've sometimes felt the need to fit in.  It's somewhat ironic, especially since I'm an iconoclast, and tend to be my own person.  Maybe, it's not so ironic.  There's a yin and yang to everything in life.  I spend so much time being me, maybe I'm pulled in another direction at times.

I've been struggling for some time to fit everything into my life.  I've got so many irons in the fire.  I look back on last year, being the year I focused my life on Kona, and find some peace within the year.  I had a singular focus, and I followed it.  During the first couple of months of COVID-19, I had a singular focus, and I followed it.  Of course, that was different from anything in my life, perhaps since my internship year.  Or, maybe it wasn't, it was a microcosm of many aspects of my life.  My 15 months as the CEO of Rockport, those months were pretty focused.  I certainly can get lost in my own priorities.  

I thought that I'd run again today. Yesterday was a very solid effort that left me feeling a little tired throughout the day.  I also felt like I had some allergies coming on, which is always little challenging and off-putting during the time of COVID-19.  You really don't want to feel like you've got a scratchy throat, itchy eyes or stuffy nose.  It messes too much with ones head.  On the other hand, feeling allergies coming on has always been a sign for me that I've pushed the limits of training, or that I've pushed my body a little too hard.  

I have work to do.  I definitely have too many projects going on at once.  I need to spend the day today catching up and reprioritizing.  Running will only add stress and fatigue.  I need to be sharp.  I need to be focused.  I need to be me.

Hanging By a Thread

There are some days that I feel like our country is hanging by a thread.  My focus on the COVID-19 Pandemic has kept me focused, and obsessed, for nearly 6 months.  I try not to mix up my messaging on social media, lest the importance of the fight to protect older adults is lost.  Nevertheless, I can't get away from what is happening around the country.  How can we live in a country where a white police officer can shoot a black man in the back 7 times in front of his three children.  What kind of world is this?  How can we live in a country where a 17 year old can bring an automatic weapon to a protest and shoot innocent people?  That is premeditated murder.  This country is truly hanging by a thread.

I was quite satisfied to hear that professional sports players were boycotting their own games.  It's time.  It's time that we stop playing games and change the system.  It's time that we stop playing games and do the right things for our country.  While I didn't think that outdoor protests were the safest thing to do during COVID-19, I also understood that the people going had a right to protest injustice at the risk of death from a deadly virus.  That was very different from hiding a political rally in an indoor arena with few people wearing masks.  That was a super spreading event that killed Herman Cain.  This country is truly hanging by a thread.

What's next? I shudder to think.  Every day I say that the words uttered by donald trump can not be worse or crazier.  That the republican convention can't be any worse.  Having a few people of color claim that there is no racism in America doesn't change reality.  The best meme I saw yesterday noted that half of the main speakers were trump's family.  They compared it to North Korea.  Point taken.  When trump ran for president I compared him to Adolph Hitler.  I was right.  The question is whether our country can take this punch and remain standing.  I hope so. I pray so.  This country is truly hanging by a thread.

Steady as She Goes

 Today is one of those days that I truly need to get my arms around.  I was feeling tired last night.  It was probably a combination of the past few days and my solid run in warm, humid conditions as well as some residual smoke in the air (I didn't run with a mask yesterday).  I realized that there must have still been some smoke because my nose was a little "out of sorts" last night.  It's interesting, but "allergies" have always been a sign of overtraining for me.  So, when it seems like I'm having more allergy symptoms, I need to pay attention.  I also have a project that MUST get done today.  I delayed it over the weekend due to the legal case, and it will need my thinking and analytical skills.  In fact, that's primarily what it will need, as it is a budget for the grant proposal.  

Getting out on the road first thing this morning has its appeal, but that will add fatigue to my day.  I ran yesterday and realized that I no longer had to be a slave to a goal, to a number, to a streak.  I just have to listen to my body. My body is telling me not to push today and to get my project done. With that, I'll also not be a slave to my blog.  Steady as she goes.

Too Much, Again

Yesterday was a very long day.  Woke up from my alarm, never a good thing, to participate in a legal hearing.  We started at 6:30 am, and it took nearly a half an hour to get the proceedings started because of challenges with the internet and technology for one of the witnesses and the judge.  The next 2 1/2 hours was spent listening to the first witness, which mattered for me, because their testimony had pertinence to mine.  I was the expert witness.  We got a 5 minute break.  Then came my testimony.

The first objection had to do with whether my attorney could even call me as an expert.  The case had been going on for 7 months, and I was being introduced as an expert on the day of the hearing.  Actually, not being privy to the case prior to this weekend, and not really knowing the legalities of this issue, I was wondering myself, but I was allowed to testify.  Then came the voir dire.  That was fun.  The attorney who hired me spent time qualifying me in three areas of expertise.  The judge got tired and a little perturbed after the second, wondering why he needed to go onto the third (which she ultimately concluded was implied by the first two).  My attorney didn't seem to take the hints that the judge gave very well.  Of course, the opposing counsel kept objecting to my being an expert, but, of course, I was.  

My attorney then questioned me.  I did most of the talking, except when there were objections.  With an internet hearing, you really need to just stop talking after an objection and wait until the judge rules before answering a question.  My testimony went on for a couple of hours.  Then we took another 5 minute break. Now came the cross examination.  That's always hard.  As I said in yesterday's blog, the lawyer was just doing his job.  Still, getting cross examined is stressful, though hopefully, I'll chill more in the future. Two more hours and we were done.  7 hours of trial testimony, sitting in front of a computer.  I then had other work to do, or rather, I chose to do other work.  I spoke to a reporter, as is my daily custom.  I worked on emails and other items and ended up speaking with the opposing attorney and the person who'd hired me to testify.  Oh yes, I participated in a webinar that I volunteered to help with at the last minute.

I finished the day by working on a very detailed grant proposal.  By the time I went to bed, it was 11 pm.  Too much, again.

Lawyers Are Just Doing Their Job

I testified today in a court proceeding.  The lawyer who cross-examined me was tough and unsparing, but that's his job.  My job as an expert witness is to share my expertise.  There are other witnesses and ultimately, in this case, the judge made a decision.  Everyone was doing their job.  The decision wasn't dependent fully on my testimony and I ultimately had no responsibility for the decision.  My responsibility was in being honest and transparent and sharing my expertise.  That's what an expert witness is supposed to do.  While the other attorney had a responsibility to question my role as an expert (which was very hard to do in this case), he tried.  Of course it didn't work.  Without going into details, it was his job to try to poke holes in what I was testifying to.  

Imagine my surprise when, about two hours after I had testified, I got a phone call from the opposing attorney telling me that he didn't want me to take his cross-examination personally and that he had been impressed with my testimony!  It turns out that the judge ruled in his favor, but he still didn't have to reach out and commend me.  He was also very complementary as to my honesty and sincerity, traits that I pride myself on and which I'm glad come through in my testimony.  I'm sure that I made it more difficult for the judge to make her decision, but that discussion is for another blog on another day.

Today, I remind myself, that while I'm doing expert witness work, my role is purely educational.  I can not take my responsibility too seriously, and I certainly can't be bothered by the cross-examination. Lawyers are just doing their job.

Breathing Hard

I did my typical 8 mile run today.  Only it wasn't typical.  There was poor air quality, so I wore my N95 mask.  Remarkably, it really wasn't that hard, except that it was.  Wearing a mask adds an additional stress to the run.  There's no question that stress added a distinct element of additional challenge.  Then there was the 80 degree temperature and significant humidity.  Once more, by the time I finished, I was drenched in sweat.  I was breathing hard.  Ironically, the actual running effort for today's run was comfortable.  My breathing was hard, but my legs were fine.

I might want to add wearing a mask to my running regimen at times.  It is probably good for my breathing muscles.  There's no question that running in the heat and humidity also builds, just as it drains me.  I've had multiple runs this week in heat and humidity, leaving me wrung out and tired.  I'd recovered for today's run, but certainly got worn out again.

I continue to try to listen to my body and decide what to do on a daily basis.  Today that meant adding a new layer of stress to my run.  Breathing hard can come about for different reasons.  

Without Limits

One of my favorite movies is Without Limits, which is about Steve Prefontaine, a runner who ran with abandon.  He didn't believe in pacing himself.  He believed in pushing himself beyond his limits.  It's one of my favorite pre-race movies to watch, as it reminds me of my approach to life.  With that said, there's a balance.  I didn't run yesterday, and I'm not going to run today.  Sleeping for 10 1/2 hours two days in a row (and not getting out of bed until 11 1/2 hours today), is definitely a signal to me.  It's possible that, rather than absorbing my training and getting stronger, that the cumulative fatigue from training, work and life, have pushed me beyond my limits.  I was definitely feeling that this past week.  

I actually considered running today when I went to sleep last night.  Not only running, but running long to catch up with my miles for the week.  That would have been a big mistake.  At least my body decided to send me a message and discourage me from even considering it.  Yesterday was my daughter's birthday, and was supposed to be a day off.  It wasn't, by any stretch of the imagination.  Between phone calls and meetings, as well as mental engagement, I literally put in a full day.  That's not resting.  I really do have trouble with setting limits for myself.

I am who I am, and I always appreciated the Steve Prefontaine approach to life and racing.  I will always be someone who lives life without limits, but I need to be cognizant of the potential impact of that approach.  Burning out is not an acceptable approach.  It's ironic, that while I talk about not pushing too hard with my consecutive 8 mile runs, I still manage to push a bit, possibly a bit more than I should if the goal is to maintain the daily runs.  On the other hand, I've definitely made progress in the last several weeks.  There's the rub.  I make more progress when I'm pushing my limits, and I just need to know when to back off.  Maybe it's ok to maintain an approach without limits?

Time for More Rest

Today is my daughter's 33rd birthday.  Wow.  I remember the day that she was born, almost like it was yesterday. The plan was to run this morning for the fourth straight day, putting me over the half way point for the seven straight days of running 8 miles.  I went to bed at 10pm last night, and when I woke for the first time today, I was still tired.  I went back to sleep.  When I awakened at 8am, I knew that my body was sending me a message. I fell back for another half an hour of sleep.  Today is my daughter's birthday.  It's bad enough that I have a three hour meeting in the middle of her birthday party.  It's bad enough that all I think about is work.  I've been tired all week, which hasn't been helped by daily runs in heat and humidity. Which hasn't been helped by the feeling of being a bit overwhelmed with my life.  Today is a day to celebrate and to savor.  It's time for more rest.

My coach and I often talk about the importance of listening to my body.  My body was definitely talking to me this morning.  A fifth straight week of 8 mile runs will not happen.  My body has pressed against its limits and knows what they are.  Numbers don't matter.  Extra data points don't matter. Rest and recovery matter.  Peace matters.  Ironically, in the back of my head, I'm already considering turning tomorrow's 8 mile run into a 16 mile run, in order to catch up.  Of course, that might only lead to fatigue doing the catching up.  We'll see how I feel after another day of rest.  We'll see what my mind and body want to do tomorrow.  

The one fascinating thing about Ironman training is that feeling of training despite, or rather in spite, of the fatigue.  I've had many days where I've run on Ironman legs, or run with an Ironman body, feeling the fatigue, but letting it bathe me rather than sink me.  I'm not sure what that means, except that it's a valuable part of Ironman training.  However, I'm not training for an Ironman right now.  I've got a long way to go before I begin that process again.  Right now, I've become a runner.  I've been looking for the feeling of being a runner.  With that in mind, I'll get some more rest today, and see what tomorrow brings.

Cooler Running

I woke up too early yesterday and went back to sleep.  That was good.  I went for my morning run in heat that was nearing 90 degrees.  That wasn't good.  I wasn't sure how hard I wanted to run when I started, which is often the case, so I ran the first mile comfortably before pushing up the steepest part of the first climb.  That was also ok, or so it seemed.  What I really didn't catch on to was the added stress of the heat, which, by the time I pushed up the climb at the end of Mile 4 and the beginning of Mile 5, began to take its toll.  It actually reminded me of Ironman Chattanooga in 2016, when I thought I felt fine at the beginning of the run and forgot to take in fluids (not sure if it would have mattered, since I was probably already dehydrated from the bike ride with temperatures up to 104).  

I thought I was fine until I realized that I wasn't.  Ironically, while I backed off the rest of the fifth mile and just got back to running comfortably, I knew by the end of the mile, where it gets steeper again, that instead of pushing up the hill, which I often do, that it was actually time to walk.  The stress every day is a different stress.  Sometimes it's running hard.  Sometimes it's emotional stress.  Sometimes it's mental stress.  Yesterday, it was just hot, pure and simple.  A couple of more walking breaks, including a decision to walk the last 200m uphill to my house, before sitting down and not moving for about 5-10 minutes, drenched in sweat, before I could get myself up to go inside and drink two large glasses of fluids.  

I'm up earlier today and ready to run.  A little washed out from yesterday, but I should be fine.  It's going to be another warm day, but if I get out soon I'll avoid the worst of the heat.  It will be interesting to see how my body responds to the stress of yesterday's run.  I'm looking forward to cooler running.

Getting Settled

 I'm not sure what got me settled  yesterday.   I woke up in a very unsettled state, but everything seemed  lot better after my run.  I didn't run hard. Once again, I just ran comfortably.  It's a good feeling. In its own way, it's a settling feeling.  There is certainly something natural about running and making my morning run a regular habit.  I also really need to hone in on what I'm going to focus on in the coming weeks, months, and years.  That has certainly been unsettling.  Not knowing, literally on a daily basis, what I'm focusing on, can't be very settling.  That's been the crazy part of the past five and a half months.  Some days just take on a life of their own.  That's ok, kind of.  It's not really a long term plan.  It doesn't really allow me to get settled.  

So begins another day.  I know that in many of my blogs I write about finding peace.  That has become a constant refrain for me.  It really goes hand in hand with feeling settled.  There are days when things are just off.  That's how I woke up yesterday, but somewhere during my run, and perhaps even after writing my blog, I started to feel like I was settling in  for the day.  

Another day comes and another day goes.  Peace is an illusory concept, but one that I seem to crave. Yet, I also seem to embrace change and challenge.  How can one settle in in the midst of swirling winds and waves.  I hearken back to Ironman St. George in 2012, with the waves around me, not knowing for a moment whether I'd survive the experience.  In that moment, I recognized that I had to settle in, I had to make my own peace.  I needed to be in the moment. That's one place I often try to go back to, when I'm having trouble finding my way.  It's one way for me to get settled.

Unsettled

I had a rough night.  I shouldn't have been surprised, since I felt off yesterday.  I'm not sure why.  Sometimes, this type of feeling is related to my training and fatigue.  It didn't feel like that, however.  I was just off.  Maybe the universe was out of alignment yesterday.  I also have an important phone call today that might have me being a little nervous.  Nervous isn't something I feel very often.  It definitely goes against my grain.  So, I have my morning run to look forward to. Maybe that will settle me down.

There's definitely been too much going on in my life lately.  I look back three years and I'm coming up on the anniversary of when my life completely changed.  I thought that I was pretty satisfied at the time.  I was working part-time, mostly educating others, and under relatively little stress.  And then, in a weeks time, I made a decision that completely changed my life.  That decision fully came to bear when COVID hit our country, and I've intermittently had days like this over the past five months.  In truth, however, I've had days like this for the past 2 1/2 years. 

Finding peace is what I seek.  How that peace comes about is something that I continue to struggle with.  Writing about it actually helps in some way, perhaps just by acknowledging it,  or by releasing it.  I'm not sure which, or perhaps both.  I know that running helps.  Today's run will be interesting.  I had a day off yesterday, which could contribute to my being unsettled, but somehow I think not.  There were too many other things that were unsettling to me yesterday.  Will my run clear these out of my head? Can I focus on the beginning of my fifth week of daily 8 mile runs?  When will these daily runs become perfectly routine?  Will I reach a point where I will feel the same at the end of the week as I do at the beginning?  

When I did my 20 weeks of 20 mile runs in 2016, the first few runs were hard and left me feeling sore.  It was around the 15th week where the runs began to feel ho-hum, and I began to think about what came next.  Running 8 miles a day for 8 straight days is different.  Every run is a little different.  Some days I run easy, some days I run hard.  Other days are a mixture.  The combinations keep any of these runs from becoming too routine, any of the weeks from becoming too routine.  Maybe that's what I need?  Routine? In order to be settled?  I don't know.

Feeling Responsible

My dreams last night were completely focused on the national committee that I now sit on.  As I try to remember the specifics, what I know is that I'm taking the responsibility seriously.  So what's new.  This has defined my whole life.  I am a serious person and I take current events seriously.  Only now, I'm literally part of the current event! 

There will be no 8 mile run today, it's my day off from running, giving my body a chance to rest.  I'm supposed to give my mind a chance to rest, but I haven't really been doing a good job of that.  It seems that  good walk might be in order, allowing the blood to flow, but not putting more stress on an already stressed physiology. 

What is it that has always made me feel so responsible for everything going on around me? Nature? Nurture? Most likely a combination of both.  I've seen my older daughter take things going on in the world way too seriously.  In fact, to a degree that she's unable to handle.  Which is a shame, because she's so much smarter than I am.

The committee that I'm on is comprised of a lot of smart people.  While I can certainly hold my own in this august group,  that really isn't the point.  In fact, it's a reminder that it takes a team.  That's been a really good lesson over the past five and a half months.  I've put together groups of people to engage on a variety of issues and topics related to COVID-19, and these groups have accomplished a lot.  That should be the point.  I should focus my responsibility on putting people together.  I am a leader, and a leader must lead, said Buck, in Call of the Wild.  That's who I've always been and where I'm most comfortable.  Leading doesn't have to be doing, however, and in fact, shouldn't be.  That's my responsibility.

Strength, Speed and Fatigue

Today is four weeks since I completed my first week of 8 mile runs.  8 hilly miles every day for seven days.  That first week, I averaged about 1:21:20 (fastest, on last day, of 1:15:56) for each effort.  After one day of rest, I repeated the seven day effort and averaged 1:19:20 (fastest, on last day, of 1:11:19).  My third week, I lowered my average time to 1:17:30 (fastest, on last day 1:12:24), and ended up taking a few days of rest after putting in a 1:19:00 effort that left me exhausted) and so for my fourth week, I've tried for some degree of consistency.  My fastest effort of the week was my second one of 1:12:12, and today in 80+ heat, I ran hard for the first five miles and then went easy for the last three, ending up with a time of 1:16:07, leaving me with an average time for the week of 1:15:50.  I'm definitely getting faster, and I'm certainly getting stronger.  I don't know yet if I'm getting more fatigued.  I'll have a much better idea after a day of rest.

This journey is already becoming a good one.  Looking back over my training logs for the past couple of months, I find that I restarted running in early June and built up for about 5-6 weeks until my latest endeavor.  Running seven straight days is something that I really haven't done in many years and I seem to be holding up reasonably well.  I've now completed a month's worth of these efforts and I don't seem any worse for the wear, and, in fact, seem to be getting faster and stronger.  I've had heat to contend with over the past few days, which will definitely slow me down a bit. It's ok, though, so long as I make sure that I hydrate afterwards. I've also managed to slog through my back going out on me over a week ago.  It's been sore all week, but not so sore as to limit my running (neither my pace or my effort).  That's remarkable and not completely understandable.

As I write this, I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm recovering from today's effort and already getting my mindset ready for another week of 8 mile runs.  That's actually been another interesting facet of this journey.  Some days I look forward to seeing how fast I can go, other days I look forward to seeing how fast I can run while running easily.  Today was one of my hardest efforts, and I've kept those at a minimum to reduce the development of too much fatigue.  Nevertheless, I have a day off tomorrow, so I always allow myself to push a little hard on the last day of the seven.  With that said, there are limits, and my body sent me that message after the fifth mile today, whereupon I just took it easy to the finish.  Let's see what the next week brings!

Confidence Versus Arrogance

 I'm not sure why this was on my mind when I woke up today, but I'll definitely run with it. Confidence is an important characteristic.  If we lack in confidence, there's very little that we'll accomplish. Doubts will keep you from making decisions.  Uncertainty will limit ones ability to take a step forward.  One of my favorite quotes is the "perfection is the enemy of the good."  If you constantly are seeking perfection, you'll undoubtedly never actually achieve your goal.  That's different from making your goal perfection and knowing that you can never truly achieve it.  That's one of the reasons I often say that I have set a very high bar my whole life, but rarely, if ever, actually hit that bar.  That's ok.  In fact, that's one of the definitions of confidence versus arrogance.

Knowing that you're always right means having an unwillingness to accept the fact that you may be wrong.  A little bit of doubt is an important trait.  A lot of doubt will keep you from ever getting off the ground.  I recently had a situation with the national committee that I'm serving on where I was trying to make a point while seeing all sides of the issue.  I fumbled.  I struggled.  I felt a huge weight on my shoulders.  I was trying to come up with a perfect description.  It's not possible.  I also realized that I was part of a committee. We are a team.  My job is to fill in the gaps of the things I'm most confident about.  Others will do the same with the things that they're most confident about.  Together, we'll come to a conclusion.  It won't be perfect.

I've had enough experience with arrogant people.  Is there a fine line between confidence and arrogance? Absolutely! That's what makes life interesting.  I know that my confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. It's only when others get to know me better that they learn that I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong.  I'm willing to acknowledge that I don't have all of the answers.  It can be a fine line.  

Always finding a way to relate my topic to Ironman or running, I've been working on achieving a personal best on a half mile uphill segment of my 8 mile daily run.  I'm not sure why I picked this segment, except that it is a Strava segment and it became clear to me that I had a chance to "move up the rankings."  Ironically, I know that I'll never get to the top on this segment,  I don't know where I was a week ago, but a few days ago I was 50th (this year), and have now moved to 30th.  I've broken the top ten in my age category.  What's more is that I'm achieving this during my regular daily 8 mile run.  I'm not warming up and doing the segment all out.  I know that there will be days when attacking this hill won't make sense.  Other days, I'll know that it's ok to do so.  Confidence versus arrogance.

A Few Bad Apples Spoil the Bunch

There are a lot of good people who work in nursing homes.  There are a lot of good people who run nursing homes.  All of these people care deeply about the residents that they are responsible for.  Where does it go wrong?  Why doesn't all this good will translate to good care?  The nursing homes will always complain about over regulation and lack of resources.  The advocates will always complain about lack of staffing and too little regulation/oversight.  And so here we are. At a standstill, where both sides are so entrenched in their thinking and mindset that it's difficult to find common ground.  

Our expert panel on improving the survey process took its own survey on items that a California Advocacy group had put forth to improve care in nursing homes.  Our group spans the gamut of people with expertise related to nursing homes. Including the nursing home industry itself.  Fortunately, the findings of the poll weren't completely lopsided.  Nevertheless, they demonstrate a chasm that certainly exists in the discussion of nursing home quality. 

It's ironic that a colleague emailed me this morning about extraordinary efforts that his nursing home chain is taking to make a difference.  In fact, that was the second such communication that I've had this week and I'm not surprised that there are others who recognize that now is the time for change.  It's never too late to try to change.

I was a little tired when I woke up this morning, started this blog, sent some emails as I wrote the blog because the blog triggered some thoughts, then went shopping because we're running out of food.  Now, I'm finishing the blog, I'm still a little tired, but my fourth day in a row of an 8 mile run awaits. Not sure how hard I'll take today's run, that has tended to show itself once I hit the road and assess how I feel.  While I'm a little tired, I also want to let off some steam.  We'll see how it goes.

Tired of Fighting

It's ironic that I'm tired of fighting again. It's been 21 months since I quit my job because I was tired of fighting, and here I am again.  The crazy part is that then I was fighting for what I believed in, and I still am.  I'm just fighting different people and different forces.  I would have thought that I'd be done fighting by now, but instead, in many ways, it's gotten worse.  the worst part is that I'm now fighting with people that I shouldn't be fighting.  

There are plenty of people in our society who care about older adults.  Many of my friends and colleagues care deeply about older adults the way I do.  There are lots of people who care.  Then there are those who don't, or at least don't realize that their actions negatively impact the lives of older adults.  They're the ones that I'm fighting.  I'm tired of fighting.

I hit the wall last week. I'm sure that my daily 8 mile runs contributed to my fatigue, but I'm just as sure that the daily pressure that I've put myself under has added up.  I look back at last year and my quest to race the Ironman in Kona, and remember how much at peace I was during that time.  I really don't want to fight, which means that my focus needs to be on how to develop collaborative relationships.  Then, I don't have to fight.  I'm tired of fighting.

Doing the Right Thing

That was the concept on my mind every time I woke up last night, which I did multiple times.  It certainly wasn't the most fitful night's sleep I've had recently, reflecting the fact that I'm still struggling find my emotional and physical comfort level.  Yesterday's run was probably a little harder than it should have been, but it was actually what I wanted to do.  I'm not sure yet how today's run will feel, or what I'll need to do.  My inclination is to go relatively hard again, not super hard, not racing hard, but to go hard enough to feel it.  I guess that's why I kept thinking about doing the right thing.  The context in my dreams were different, they were more focused on life, but running how I feel is the corollary to living how I feel.  

Everything I've been involved with over the last five months are coming together.  At the same time, I'm desperately trying to find myself again.  I was glad that they cancelled Ironman St. George, as I wasn't going to go anyway.  Not because I didn't want to, because I did, but because I knew that I shouldn't.  It wouldn't have been the right thing to do.  The best part of the news was the realization that I wanted to use the deferral option to pick another race.  The race was pretty obvious, Ironman California, on October 24 of 2021.  Hopefully I will be able to safely navigate an Ironman 15 months from now.  It's supposed to be one of the, if not the, flattest Ironman courses around, and the weather in Sacramento in October should be ideal. Of course this is an Ironman that I signed up for that we're talking about.  On the other hand, it'd an Ironman I've switched to because the one I'd signed up for was cancelled.  The last time that happened, I had less than a week to "prepare," and had my personal best in Chattanooga.  Could that be an omen?

I have fifteen months to get ready for my next Ironman.  That puts my daily 8 mile runs in perspective and sharpens my focus to improve my running.  Everything else will come in time.  In the meantime, I'll just try to get my head around doing the right thing on a daily basis.

Sluggish, But Undeterred

I wake up today tired, but not exhausted, not really knowing how my body will react if I put on my running shoes and head out the door. That's what I must do.  Because, unless I actually do it, I won't know.  The body is funny that way.  I'm still not quite sure how I'll feel once I get moving, but there's only one way to find out. 

There's a level of calm that I awakened with, or, it could still be fatigue.  I won't know until I get going, and even then, I may not know.  I've learned the value of runs over the years with fatigue, and that has served me well during my Ironman races. There's also the matter of my low back, and with that thought, I immediately bring back a memory.  Ironman Chattanooga in 2014.  Three days before the race, the same spot on my back seized up.  It kind of freaked me out.  In fact, I believe that was the first time that spot arose telling me that I had three days to go before race day and that I needed to rest.  I'm not sure that I really needed to know that rest was needed at that point, but it would become a routine for me over the next several years. 

I remember the morning of race day.  My back was much better, but there was still some residual soreness.  I could feel that soreness very slightly all day.  During the bike and run, in particular.  I don't remember feeling it during the swim, my fastest Ironman swim. 52 minutes and change, swimming in a river with a current, but also swimming harder and with greater purpose than I have ever had during an Ironman swim.  I came out of the water feeling great!

I'm sluggish, I still feel some residual soreness in my back, but I'm undeterred. I will run today.

If it's Monday, it Must be Time to Run 8 Miles

The last three days has been a bit of a blur.  I literally and figuratively hit the wall, but I've been attentive to my health and well being and hope that I've recovered enough to run 8 miles tomorrow.  I could hardly walk yesterday due to my back spasm, and literally about every inch of my body being tight, but I had a massage today and feel much better.  I also spent the entire weekend mostly on my back watching golf.  I did get some work in, which I couldn't completely avoid, but I managed to be very efficient and rest every chance I had.  I'm hoping that I'll feel refreshed enough in the morning to get out for my 8 mile run, or however many miles my body allows me to run.  I don't doubt that I'll have the will to run 8 miles, but I can't promise that I will run 8 miles.  

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to taking care of myself.  That certainly helped in preparing for 15 Ironman races, and it definitely came in handy when I finished Kona despite having a full blown sinus infection and feeling like crap (though I never allowed myself to acknowledge that feeling).  The problem with this type of will is that it allows you to push yourself to a place where you can actually cause harm.  I guess running/walking 100 miles counts in that regard.  My wife said that she's surprised that I hadn't crashed and burned sooner than this past Friday, and she was right.  I'm still feeling somewhat fatigued today, but I have a feeling that I'll be ok in the morning.  The key will be not to overdo it once again.  Am I listening to myself?

I only managed three sets of 8 mile runs for seven days.  The fourth set lasted all of one day and resulted in three total days off (aided by my back seizing up on me as if I was pre-Ironman).  On the other hand, I put in a solid 3 1/2 weeks of running before taking three days of complete rest.  This will be interesting.  In fact, I just realized that I'm starting fresh on a Monday for another round of running 8 miles a day.  It will be interesting to see what transpires.  I'm sure that I will take the day, and then the week, as it comes.  In the meantime, if it's Monday, it must be time to run 8 miles!

Too Important to Slow Down

My wife pointed out to me yesterday that I've been going full speed for five straight months.  It's only been recently that I've even considered taking weekends off.  I did start observing the Sabbath relatively early in this pandemic, and that did give me 24 hours of relative rest every week, that generally restarted on Saturday evenings after sundown.  Of course, I'm not completely keeping the Sabbath right now because the Vaccine Committee that I'm on meets on Saturdays, and this is too important to miss.  However, that's the way the last five months have been.  There's always something that's too important.

I wrote yesterday about hitting the wall.  That was actually an understatement.  I not only hit the wall, I ran into it at full speed!  I thought that I was feeling a little tired when I got up yesterday, but was sure it was just another day of fatigue that could be overcome. In some ways, this brings me back 10 months to Kona.   Every day that week, I'd wake up feeling like crap, only to mentally tell myself that it was just allergies and that I would be fine.  I wasn't fine.  I had a full blown sinus infection, an on race day, I remember briefly feeling, as I made my way out of Kona on the bicycle, how I'd have gotten off my bike and quit if it were any other race.  I immediately put that way of thinking out of my mind and literally ignored it until after I crossed the finish line nearly 13 hours later.  I've been reaching into that method for some time now, and I ran out of room yesterday. I can only pretend so much.

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping, came home and put all the groceries away (a process in itself that includes wiping everything down), and really thought about going out for my 8 mile run.  Fortunately, I realized that I was even more tired than I was that day in Kona, and that pushing through this could actually be detrimental to my health.  Nothing is too important to slow down.  I went back to bed for a couple of hours, before getting up and once again considering going out for my run.  I had a 3 1/2 hour Committee meeting that I couldn't miss, and that took priority.  I didn't want to wipe myself out before the meeting, so I thought, maybe, after the meeting...

I haven't felt this exhausted in quite awhile.  There was no running yesterday, just rest.  My wife, as I've noted, pointed out that this has been a long time in coming.  She was right.  As I write this today, there is no thought of running (well, not too much of one). I have a 2 1/2 hour Committee meeting, and then a plan to rest for the remainder of the day.  I need to let my mind and body recover.  I also need to realize that a day or two of recovery isn't enough.  It's taken me five months to get myself into this hole.  In the meantime, there are positives.  The running has definitely brought some positives to my physical well being.  I just need to trust in the concept that recovery will make me stronger!  I'm hoping that there is a similar approach to the emotional exhaustion.  Oh, yes, it's called meditation!

Hitting the Wall

It's that time again.  I feel like I'm hitting the wall.  It's the feeling that some people get around mile 18 of a marathon.  During yesterday's 8 mile run, I actually felt a little wobbly and unsteady halfway through the run.  I finished ok, but was pretty tired again last night.  I've only done my first 8 mile run of the new set.  Is it the cumulative fatigue of the running?  Is it cumulative fatigue of everything else?  There's a lot going on, and it's really hard to find the balance again.  Of course, I'm balancing an 8 day run week and a day day life week.  That's still a new concept to me.  In some ways, I'm curious how this weekend goes.  I have Committee meetings today and tomorrow, so I'm now encroaching on my emotional rest time.  

I'll see how my day goes.  First, I have to make my weekly trip to the supermarket during early morning, senior, hours.  Then, my run.  From there, we'll see how I'm feeling. For now, maybe I'm just pushing up against the wall, rather than actually hitting the wall.

Don't Accept the Premise of the Question

One of my favorite lines from The West Wing is Don't accept the premise of the question. It's actually a pretty cool concept, and it can be used in a variety of circumstances, not the least of which is when speaking to a reporter.  When someone asks you a question, the very act of answering the specific question lends credence to the question itself.  The people most adept at not doing this are politicians. At least they should be.  

When I was on live television with Anderson Cooper, he asked me whether I'd take my mom or dad out of a nursing home during the COVID-19 pandemic.  I'd actually answered this question in the affirmative when asked by a Los Angeles Times reporter, but when asked on television, I was prepared for it.  "That was my heartfelt answer, Anderson," was my riposte.  I'd be worried about my mom and dad.  "However, it's not so easy to take mom and dad home."  I'd changed the question from one about taking my parent out of a nursing home to one about how important nursing homes are when it comes to providing care for complex and frail older adults.

There are many opportunities in life, every day, not to accept the premise of the question.  Why would I want to run 8 miles today?  There might be days that I don't want to run 8 miles.  Running 8 miles every day provides structure to my day.  It creates resilience.  Yes, those are reasons for running 8 miles, but they don't necessarily state that I actually want to run 8 miles.  OK, maybe not the best example of not accepting the premise of the question, but my brain has already switched form awakening with that concept to getting prepared to run my 8 miles.  I had a good night's sleep, and I was definitely tired yesterday, so I'm getting a little later start to my day.  I'm not going to accept that premise, either.

Ethics and Fatigue

I was really tired last night.  Actually, I was really tire all day yesterday.  Was it the fact that I did my seventh straight 8 mile run hard?  I felt energized after my run.  Granted, my daily 8 mile runs can definitely create fatigue.  Was it something else?  I know that my emotional state definitely impacts my fatigue level.  I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind.  Ethics.  There are many ways to look at ethics.  There are many angles to feel from ethics.  From the very first moment of recognition regarding COVID-19, I've intuitively struggled with the ethics of what was happening.  I tweeted about ageism and genocide.  I lost sleep over my recollections regarding the worst elements of the nursing home industry.

Yesterday, the Washington Post and NPR quoted me.  The topics weren't the same, but they both involved ethical issues related to nursing homes and COVID-19.  One had to do with transferring residents for financial gain.  The other had to do with the proper allocation of financial resources.  I shared the articles of Twitter.  Actually, a lot of people shared the articles.  There were those who were appalled by what they read.  They understood the moral questions posed by the articles.  There were those who saw the articles as one sided.  There are two sides to every issue.

Two sides to every issue.  Morality is a two sided coin.  One persons justice is another persons injustice.  Hopefully, this is not usually the case.  But, all too often the lines are blurred.  I spent 15 months in a job where I can now look back and appreciate the level to which the lines can be blurred. I defended the status quo, trying, as I often do, to understand the reasons from all sides. I trusted people.  I trusted motivations.  Until I didn't.  Here I am, five months into the COVID-19 pandemic, and I'm tired.  I've had many days like this.  At least now I can wonder if my fatigue is related to a hard run on top of other hard runs.  Somehow, it's more likely that my fatigue is more related to five months of passionately fighting for what I believe in rather than running 8 miles for 7 straight days three weeks in a row.

Back to Work, Dreaming That Is

I've recently been blogging about how my dreams have gone back to normal, so to speak.  It seems to have been short lived.  I woke up this morning and realized that my dream last night was focused on work related topics.  On June 9th, when I testified before two California State Assembly Committees,  I heard about a plan by the California Department of Public Health to develop some new fangled "predictive analytics" to evaluate nursing home quality.  I was dubious then, and realized yesterday that they've actually adopted their new analytics.  I'm still dubious.  In fact, I had a couple of calls with their analysts, and tried to move them in new directions, but that was never going to go anywhere.

It seems that the more I dig into how the California Department of Public Health is going about their business, the more skeptical I get.  Why do I care so much?  Because the number of nursing homes who are dying across the state keeps going up.  What's worse, is that those numbers are certainly not accurate.  They're probably significantly undercounted.  Why do I are so much?  Because I've spent my career focused on helping older adults and I've somehow come to this moment in time thrust into the middle of the vortex that is COVID-19.

So, I guess I'm supposed to follow my dreams, though, just not the way I have in the past.  I'm literally supposed to follow my actual dreams.  I still need to pick up my sleep book, though right now that sounds like a great plan for this weekend, when I try to unwind from the week and avoid the complete obsession that has been much of the past five months.  It's helping to start my day with this blog, and then go out for my 8 mile run.  Today will complete my third set of 8 mile runs.  I've probably once again been feeling the fatigue from these daily runs, as well as the walking that I've been piling on to my runs on a daily basis.  My run/walk volume has reached heights that I have rarely done on a consistent basis in the past.  Hmmmm.  Is there another 100 miler in my future.  I guess that's for another dream.

Time for Myself

Last night's dream ended up focusing on the importance of taking time for myself.  It's an interesting concept, and I know that my morning runs are supposed  to fulfill this role.  Thus, I will endeavor out on the roads again this morning. I have two more days to complete my third set of 8 mile runs.  I'm pretty sure that the weight of these runs, combined with the weight of the other things in my life, is starting to get a little heavy.  However, I've also learned the significance of that weight.  Taking time for myself is supposed to take some of that weight off.  I guess it's just how I take that time and what that time means.

A friend taught me a meditative mantra for running a few year ago, and it might be time to pull that out.  It starts off with thinking about the people I love.  I'm blanking for the moment on the other four aspect of it, but I'm hoping that they will come to me during my run!

It's funny how I'm listening to my dreams once again, and how last night's dream was so specific.  For awhile, I was either only dreaming about dealing with the pandemic, or then, there were no dreams (at least, not that I was cognizant of).  Now, I'm getting back to a more "normal" dream phase.  Though, maybe it's not really the old normal, but a new normal.  It might be time to pick up the Sleep book that I was reading and gain a greater understanding of sleep and hopefully my dreams.  For now, I'll just let last night's dream guide me for morning run.  It's also important to accept the need to take time for myself.  

Optics

Why do optics matter so much?  Who do they matter to?  For some reason, that's what was on my mind during my dreams last night.  Being on a national committee, I may be put in a more public spotlight at some point in the coming weeks.  That's what tends to worry some people who know how transparent I am.  I doesn't really worry me.  However, for someone as iconoclastic as I am, I still tend to be a "rule follower."  While I am willing to take risks, those risks are only within the rules of the game.  Do I care what people think?  Do I care how I look?  Do the optics matter to me?

I've often said that when I look at myself in the mirror, I just see me.  There's nothing special, I'm just another person with thoughts and feelings.  Of course, when you're in the public eye, that can change.  And, for obvious reasons.  Still, I tend to be less concerned.  Since March, I've been fierce in my willingness to tell the truth to anyone who would listen, and to those who wouldn't.  My profile has clearly been raised, and that's actually helped me to get more attention.  In fact, that may be one reason that I'm now on a national committee.  Go figure.

For the next 2-3 months, it's time to lay a bit lower.  Do my work behind the scenes.  If I'm going to ruffle any feathers, I should do it quietly, which is actually possible at this point in time.  One of the things that I've committed to since the onset of this pandemic is the need to focus during a crisis.  Right now, that focus will include maintaining a respectful distance from controversy.  I tend to actually be a collaborator and someone who likes consensus, although I'm certainly not afraid to strongly state my opinions. For now, I'll just do what I do a little more quietly.

Restless Friday Nights

Restless Friday night sleep is becoming routine for me.  It's a little odd, and maybe just coincidental, or maybe represents the fact that I've truly been trying to rest my mind on the weekends.  Once again, yesterday was a long day of work, basically managing two meetings that essentially took my day from 7 am to 5pm.  Oh yes, I got in my 8 mile run  prior to the meetings.  The run itself, was fine.  My legs felt a bit sluggish, my effort was solid, but not so hard that I'd feel it all day, except that by 5pm I was knackered. Still, if I've learned one thing through this is that it's the emotional and mental fatigue that really tires me out.  Take that away, and the 8 miles is nothing.

In many ways, yesterday was about the things I love to do.  Teaching and making a difference.  Both meetings were about the things I enjoy the most. Just thinking about that sets me on my path to get my 8 mile run in this morning.  I didn't set my alarm, and yet, I'm up at 5am, because I have meetings starting yet again at 7am today.  I remember my dream from last night, which is normally not unusual, except that lately I haven't been.  Not sure what my dream meant. There was a volcanic eruption on the other side of the globe that wasn't supposed to effect us, but yet, volcanic rock was raining down from the sky and actually landed on our car.  Somehow, we were fine.  However, I decided to destroy the car because I didn't need it.  Oh yes, there was a baby sleeping in the hotel room through it all, unscathed by the melee. I'll have to figure this one out another time, because I've got no clue.

Today is the 4th day of my seven straight 8 mile runs.  This is now the middle of my third set of these.  This is where the mental toughness usually begins to hit.  I know that once I've gotten number four in the books, that five, six and seven will flow next.  It's a little odd being on an 8 day schedule, it's almost like I have this 8 day week now, defined by my new running pattern.  Yet, I still have my weekends to recover.  Perhaps I've hacked my fatigue buildup and absorption this way, especially since I won't be recovering from a running perspective while resting my mind.  Except, I have meetings today from 7am to 3:30pm.  Whoops!  There goes the "rest."  At least my day will end a little early today, around the time that I usually start feeling the full impact of my fatigue.  And so, I've gotten through my most recent restless Friday night.