Obsessed

It's all I dream about. It's all I think about.  I wake up to it.  I go to sleep with it.  It's my challenge to deal with.  There was a time last year that my obsession was with training for Kona.  I enjoyed thinking about that.  It seemed like a positive obsession.  Despite getting sick the week of the race, in the end, it was an incredible experience, one that I'd like to feel again right now.  At the same time, I understand why I feel obsessed right now.  My life and COVID-19 have lined up like a jackpot on a slot machine.  I am uniquely trained and suited to understanding the impact of this deadly virus on the very people whom I've dedicated my life to.  Still, do I have to be obsessed?  Can I start breaking away, even for a little while?

Last week I went for a run a couple of times.  I wake up int he morning, thinking about the virus and thinking about whatever I've been "fighting." I don't like fighting.  I want to collaborate.  I want to be positive.  I want to haver just a little bit of fun.  I want to run and bike again, and feel the joy of exercise.  Actually, I just want to feel some joy.  It's difficult, though, knowing what's out there that I can continue to make a difference regarding.  There's the rub.

I spoke to a colleague last night who is a wonderfully eloquent writer.  She told me that, in the early days of COVID-19, my tweets might have been harsh.  She almost emailed me one time, but ultimately didn't.  Those tweets, and some of my more "out there" quotes, have put me on CNN and MSNBC.  Those stronger, more provocative statements, have gotten me quoted in many news articles.  At the same time, they've also led me to be an educator for many reporters and journalists, who are only now learning about nursing homes and COVID-19.

I have always loved teaching others.  That's my great joy.  There are different ways to teach.  Some teachers are more provocative, maybe that's part of who I am.  I truly want to pivot in order to spend the bulk of my time teaching.  Maybe have an opportunity to feel a little bit of joy.  Having some moments that aren't driven by an obsession.  That would be nice.