Finding G_d During a Pandemic

The last month has brought me to this point.  I read Old Man's Country yesterday and was touched by the story of Rabbi Sam Karff.  I've struggled with the thought of death since my father-in-law passed away.  Yesterday, I gained some peace with the concept of death and dying.  This morning I went for a walk and reached the top of the hill that overlooks the Conejo Valley.  The clouds were in really incredible positions in the sky.  With the backdrop of the mountains, it was beautiful.  But that wasn't all.  I've seen incredible cloud formations many times in my life.  Today was different.  It wasn't just about the beauty.  There was something else.  For the first time in my life, I felt close to G_d. I've been an agnostic for most of my life.  I've always felt that saying that one knows that there's no G_d is the same as saying that one knows that there is one.  Today, I knew.  I may have needed to know.  I may have needed to have this feeling after a month of feeling like I could see an apocalypse coming that no one else could see.  That doesn't change the feeling that I had to day.  I might be philosophical and question it, or I might as well go with it and accept the feeling.  The feeling was real.

I have never liked or gravitated to organized religion.  I've never considered myself a religious person.  However, I've grown to realize that I'm a very spiritual person.  That didn't change today.  I'm still the same spiritual person that I've always been.  The only difference is that a month ago I considered myself an agnostic.  Today, I believe that there is a G_d.  My wife asked me what that meant.  Does it mean that I believe G_d is a person?  A being? Who and what is G_d?  It doesn't matter.  That's not the point.  There is no point in overthinking it.  I will never try to put my own beliefs on anyone else.  I won't attempt to change my atheist father's mind.  It's not for me to do.  I have no issues with his atheism.  In fact, I respect it.  People have a right to believe what they will, to have faith in whatever they connect with.  As do I.

During Shabbat, I read the story of Exodus.  I read about Nachshon, who, when Moses came to the Red Sea, entered the water.  He went forward until the water was at his, knees, then his waist, then his chest and finally to his neck.  Only when he was up to his neck in the water, and Moses saw his determination and willingness to push forward, did Moses part the Red Sea.  "G_d only helps those who help themselves," I read in Old Man's Country.  Over the past month, I've gotten myself under water at times in my zeal to fight to save the lives of frail older adults.  I have been Nachshon, and I have had faith in what I've been doing.  I will continue to have faith and do everything in my power to help the most vulnerable members of our society.  Maybe that's what finding G_d during a pandemic is all about.