Making a Difference

Making a difference.  This is something that has driven me for as long as I can remember.  Surely, I was influenced by my father, but that alone doesn’t account for the feeling in my gut that has always driven me to want to make a difference.  When I was just nine years old, I wrote a letter to then President Johnson, asking him to end the war in Vietnam.  Less than 10 years later, I wrote a letter to Menachem Begin, sharing my thoughts on the ongoing tensions in the Middle East.  I actually wrote to President Reagan, offering to be the Secretary of Education, a Department he wanted to dismantle.  When Bill Clinton became President, I once again reached out.  Perhaps I’m fortunate that I never had the right connections to achieve anything through my efforts.  

When I was in the 6th grade, I ran for Student Body Treasurer, and when I was in the 7th grade, I ran for Student Body President.  Since I was a nerd who wore glasses and carried a briefcase, I wasn’t going to win.  I might have managed to get there as an 8th grader, but I decided to skip the 8th grade and start high school a year early.  I was so focused on getting through high school that my political efforts were put on hold until my senior year, when I did manage to get on the Student Body cabinet (I lost the election, but my opponent moved, so I got there by default). In college I once again was focused on school, and managed to ignore my leadership leanings until I got to medical school.  It was there that I became one of the students involved in running the National Student Research Forum.  

As I write this, I’m becoming aware of a pattern.  My drive to make a difference, and the effort necessary to be in a position to make that difference, has always been balanced by my passion for learning.  Time and again, I’ve not taken the initiative to market myself, thus limiting my upward mobility at times as it related to being in leadership positions.  This changed when I started working for Kaiser-Permanente as a Geriatrician.  I became actively involved in program development and somehow managed to get interviewed for the Southern California Permanente Regional Medical Director position while being a brand new partner, at the age of 32.  I had all sorts of ideas as to how I could change things.  What I was lacking was a thorough understanding of how to grease the skids, so to speak, in order to move forward.  In some regards, I was intolerant to what it took in order to do that.  I often say that during this period of my life, I was somewhat of a bull in a china shop.

Ultimately, I made the decision to leave Kaiser-Permanente and change my direction.  I gravitated towards a much more entrepreneurial approach to my profession, which had it’s advantages and disadvantages.  Ironically, being called an entrepreneur always made me feel uncomfortable.  Wanting to make a difference has always been more important to me than being financially successful.  I haven’t even written about the ways I’ve tried to make a difference over the past twenty five years, but I’ll skip to the here and now.

I’ve come to realize that one area that I’ve never balanced with my drive to make a difference is my personal life.  In fact, I must honestly acknowledge that is an area that I’ve always struggled with.  As I get older, I know that regret is of no benefit, and while I can’t make up for past decisions, I can achieve a better balance in the present moment.  That’s what I’m trying to do.  So, here I am, enjoying the time I spend with my incredible wife, and reveling in the joy of watching my grandson grow up.  At the same time, a number of forces and life circumstances have placed me at the vortex of a variety of initiatives and efforts that coincide with my desire to make a difference in the field that means so much to me.  

Maintaining life balance is a skill that I have spent a lifetime fighting.  If there’s one thing that my Ironman training has taught me, is that our lives are like a water balloon.  Pushing on one side inevitably has consequences on the other.  Our physical and mental health are tied together, and every decision we make has an impact on our minds and bodies.  For some reason, the next couple of weeks seems to have brought everything together as I search for direction on how best to make a difference while maintaining some semblance of balance in my life.  Meditation needs to be my best friend and companion as I approach the various opportunities that have come my way.  In the end, as my good friend and mentor, Ray Delisle, used to say, whatever I decide, it will be brilliant!