Respect & Ego

I've been doing some more reflecting and today the topic of respect and ego came to me.  When I was in College, I was doing research in a lab during the summer and encountered a graduate student who was very disrespectful to me.  It bothered me so much that I decided to quit.  I just didn't think it was either worth it, or healthy, to expose myself to that sort of bullying behavior.  When I was a Geriatric Fellow, I decided to leave the program and go to work for Kaiser.  A faculty member threatened me with all sorts of negative actions.  I did my research and found none of the threats to be true or possible.  I actually briefly threatened to obtain an attorney to respond to the threats, but found a ton of support from the rest of the faculty, and never had to resort to such a response.  I've encountered bullies in my life along the way.  Sometimes, it's possible to walk away. Sometimes, I've just had to put up with it until it went away.  One thing is for sure, it never feels good.  I was in a job a few years ago where I encountered some significantly disrespectful behavior towards me and the things I believed most passionately in.  I chose to leave, rather than appear to enable that type of treatment.

Is walking away from someone who disrespects you giving up?  Is it cowardly?  Is it productive?  Or, is it a healthy response to unhealthy treatment?  I've been looking back at my last job recently.  I now remember how a pattern of disrespect began at a certain point in time.  I was aware of how I was being treated.  It was very painful for me, and I remember many of those circumstances vividly.  Why didn't I just walk away?  I had ample opportunity to do so.  However, I felt at the time that I had an opportunity to do something good for the people that have mattered to me the most over my career. That is the vulnerable and frail older adult population.

One of the interesting things that I noted during this period of time was that I often rationalized not quitting by saying that I didn't want to let my ego make decisions for me.  I felt that I should be able to put up with the bullying and disrespect. I somehow convinced myself that giving up and leaving would be because I'd be giving in to my ego.  Somehow, I convinced myself that would be wrong.  As I look back, I have to be concerned that I was trying to be too intellectually pure.  First of all, we all have an ego.  Without our egos, we'd never get anything done.  There's not only nothing wrong with having an ego, but in fact, egos are important.  Ego allows me to believe in myself, which allows me to accomplish things I might not otherwise accomplish.  It's certainly a balancing act.

How much do you put up with when you're being bullied and disrespected? What's the outcome you're looking for?  What is the impact on your health and wellbeing?  I can definitely say that what I went through was not healthy.  There is no question in my mind that the months that I lived through being treated horribly did me no favors.  I've spent most of this year recovering from it.  No small part of the pain and damage was due to the feeling of being disrespected.  Was it harmful to my ego? Maybe.  But not out of vanity.  Our ego exists to protect us.  For some people, it is hyper vigilant and overstated.  For others, it's just right.  I hope that my ego is just right.

One thing is certain.  A few years ago when I walked away from a job because I was disrespected, it felt right.  I've never doubted that decision, and I didn't have to suffer needlessly.  This last time, I allowed myself to suffer for quite awhile.  Ironically, in the end, my reason for leaving had nothing to do with my ego.  In some ways, it's the one thing that I've never achieved closure on.  I still have some regrets over not quitting due to the disrespect and bullying.  On the other hand, I've learned that there's no point in having regrets.  So, I'll continue to try to balance the need for respect and how that plays into my ego. But, in a good way!