Catharsis

I get the most work done while on an airplane.  There are no distractions, and I'm stuck in one place for 4-5 hours.  Today, I decided to write about my experiences from my job last year.  I just started to write.  I wrote about how I came to get the job, how things started out, the challenges that I encountered and the efforts I took to bring change to a very dysfunctional organization. Before I knew it, I was deep into reliving what I learned and how I acted on it.  One of the greatest things that sitting and writing brought to me was a realization of what I actually accomplished. I've struggled a lot with what I ultimately considered a failure.  Upon reflection, however, I realize that I accomplished far more than I realized, and perhaps more than anyone could have ever expected. I got close to the summit, but then fell off the cliff and down the mountain.

I will always compare life to Ironman, and I always judge my races on the effort I give.  Results, when they occur, can be fleeting.  There is often a lot that we can't control. There was a lot of that in this job.  I just kept writing, and before I knew it, I'd written nearly 3,000 words.  And, I was only partially done!  I finally got tired, but instead of stopping, I made notes of the things that I hadn't written about yet that I wanted to cover another time.  Maybe on the flight home on Sunday?

I was pleasantly surprised by the feeling of catharsis that was associated with writing about my experience.  I've spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about my experiences.  Some of that thinking was associated with regret, some of it with anger, and a lot of it with self doubt.  I've been doing better as of late, so perhaps that is why today was possible.  I had not preconceived notions as to what I was writing about.  I just let it come to me.

There are a lot of lessons for me in this, as I work on determining the next chapter of my life.  I've definitely had therapists who suggest just sitting down and writing, letting my thoughts spill out onto the page.  I've done that at times, and I have to say that it's often been helpful.  This was a different experience.  I've thought that I could actually write a book about my experiences.  I don't know if I want to do that for a lot of reasons, but just writing for myself was meaningful, and cathartic.