Journey Back to Kona Day 137: Sliding Backwards

I've written a lot about the need to find balance, and I've truly been failing at it over the past few days. Heck, I've been failing at it for the past 6 weeks, ever since I allowed myself to not truly shut down during a short vacation to the mountains with my family. My obsession isn't going to change the world, if I haven't learned that in the last 2 years, I never will.  Maybe that's the point. I haven't been very good about learning this lesson.  In some ways, I just have a tendency to trade one obsession for another, although I've really tried to focus on my healthy obsessions instead.  Again, I haven't really been succeeding as of late. So, all in all, I find myself sliding backwards.

It hasn't helped that my low back tightened up on me again a few days ago.  That's always hard, as pain makes it hard to focus and easier to slide backwards into old habits.  And that's where I find myself.  Sliding backwards.

One of the crazy things that I haven't spent too much time thinking about is how close I was to being at peace nearly two years ago.  I'd decided to sign up for Ironman St. George, although I probably wasn't in Ironman shape. I'd identified some projects to work on. I was starting to feel at peace.  Then, the pandemic struck and my "worst" habits reared their head. I put worst into quotations because I've accomplished a ton over the past 2 years, but at what price?  Many days are a struggle, and it's all too easy to just obsess for the entire day to avoid the reality of the impact of that same obsession. I understand the addictive nature of my obsession to help others.  There is no doubt an adrenaline aspect to it, which creates all sorts of issues. I spike my adrenaline with my workouts, but the ongoing, all day, emotional stress and release of adrenaline definitely has an effect.

I've been working at reading every morning, which I did today.  I then stretch, which I did today. I then write, which I didn't do until now (the afternoon).  I keep thinking about meditation, but I haven't done it.  Maybe it's time to get back in that habit. I will continue to acknowledge that this thing called the internet is not good for someone with OCD. The ability to continuously look up information is great, but it's way too enabling. And, so here I am, trying to keep myself from sliding backwards.