I titled my blog for the past 132 days, "Journey Back to Kona." That's truly something that mattered to me 132 days ago. It still does. However, it's not the most important thing every day. I truly meant to jumpstart my training over the weekend, but other stresses, pressures and priorities got in the way. I managed to run 14 miles on Saturday, but was really exhausted afterwards. I continue to realize the physical exhaustion that comes from mental stress, which I've had impacting me from multiple directions. Today was going to be a day for riding my bike. For all I know, I still might, but again, I need to adjust my priorities and be prepared for detours. I continue to juggle a number of commitments and, when under other pressures, sometimes freeze up. Such is the nature of anxiety. When I look back, I recall when I first began having panic attacks, which I didn't realize at first. I'll never forget describing my symptoms to a cardiologist, and literally realizing my own panic attack diagnosis. To this day, I know that feeling and its various manifestations. The most important thing I can do to deal with it is to acknowledge my priorities and the fact that detours are inevitable.
I reread a book about Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell over the past several days. Books like this take my mind off of the other stresses and pressures that I've placed on myself, but they also remind me of my childhood, when I could never get enough sports. Reading about the 1969 Basketball championship, I literally returned to being 9 years old. The Lakers were my team. I'll always remember my disappointment when they lost to the Celtics in the seventh game. Those feelings returned as I read about the intrigue that went on during the end of that game. An intrigue that ultimately spanned decades in the relationships between the individuals involved in the game that very day. I've previously read a biography of Jerry West, and realized how much we have in common. A deep desire to help others, to want to be collaborative, but also to have an intensity and perfectionism to balance, is extraordinarily stressful on the human psyche. And so, I must once again come to grips with my priorities and detours.
I keep saying that I'm going to cut down on my priorities, and then I keep adding to them. I continue to make excuses based on both opportunities and an inability to say no. On those occasions that I really focus on my training, I believe that I feel better, but when fatigue builds up, especially with the combination of physical and mental fatigue, my struggle heightens.
Reading something that isn't work related, such as the basketball book, is definitely the best way for me to begin my days. Writing is critical, and I've been improving on my habit of getting my blog written in the morning, such as I'm doing today. Stretching is a physical necessity. My physical activity levels have been a bit of feast or famine. That is probably something I need to work on. I've come to either work out for 2 hours, or not at all. There might be an in between.
My grandson told us yesterday that he'd been sad because he hadn't seen us over the past two weeks. We were staying away due to the Omicron variant and out of an abundance of caution. This damn pandemic has its tentacle in too many aspects of my life. I really haven't been able to avoid it or to separate myself from it. When work and family become intertwined, it's really difficult to separate them. But, I guess that's all part of my determining my priorities and detours. And so another day goes by. I was planning, and hoping to ride my bike. But, I have too many commitments that I've made. I need to clean them up first. That's what I'll do today.
No comments:
Post a Comment