Journey to Kona Day 58: Back to Doing What I Want to Do

It's funny how the mind quickly adjusts. Just believing the concept that I can spend most of my time doing what I feel like doing has already had a positive impact on me.  There's just a little more peace.  I realized last night that I didn't officially meditate yesterday, but my 90 minute run was definitely filled with meditative time.  It just wasn't captured on Headspace.  It still truly is about balance.  I'm sure that there will still be days where that balance is hard to find.  That's because perfection is never a goal.  Accepting each moment is what we really strive for.  It's the Ironman metaphor I've long described.  There is no Ironman where everything goes perfectly as planned.  My recent Ironman was the extreme example, being cancelled on race morning as I arrived at Transition.  That certainly didn't go as planned, but I was actually relieved, having identified the risks as far exceeding the benefits of racing during a "Bomb Cyclone."  So, while I didn't do what I'd originally planned to do, I actually did what I wanted to do. At the moment.

This brings me back to something I've definitely written about before.  Being in the moment is the key, and recognizing that helps with a balanced approach to doing what I want to do.  My routine may turn out to be anything but a routine, or it will be.  I am, after all, a creature of habit. I can eat the same thing day after do.  I can do the same things day after day.  I do appreciate the structured feel of that, but don't have to feel hemmed in by it.  I still have choice.  I can still always be in the moment. 

I was planning to do a 100 mile bike ride on Saturday, but I've already recognized that I'd rather run.  This week is truly my run week.  Three 9 1/2 mile days already logged, today will either be the same, or it will be longer.  I will certainly have some days where I break up my run into to segments, and I will have days when I run shorter, and days when I run longer.  I feel like running ~70 miles in a week is well within my body's capabilities right now.  It also feels like what I want to do.

The week began with my addressing my work-a-holic tendencies.  I've already made progress.  However, I can't be fooled.  Challenges will pop up and try to pull me in. Letting go of the desire and need to not say no.  Letting go of the need to please others. That will continue to be my daily challenge, my minute-by-minute challenge.  Focusing on what I want is my refrain, my reminder. And so I put one foot in front of the other and continue my journey.

Journey Back to Kona Day 57: Running Fitness

As I deal with my work-a-holism, I find myself gravitating to running.  I hammered my quads about a week and a half ago, and now I've run 9 1/2 miles two days in a row.  I'd been doing some squats for a few days prior and my glutes were sore when I went out to run on Monday.  That soreness is gone, as is the residual soreness that I was still carrying from the trail run (which I was actually still feeling yesterday).  I just feel like I can go out and run 10 miles every day.  Of course, my out and back hilly run happens to be 9 1/2 miles, but that's ok, as I don't really want to be a complete slave to a number. In fact, in talking to my coach yesterday, I used to consider running for 90 minutes to be threshold for a "long run."  My 9 1/2 mile runs take me 90 minutes.  I feel like I can do this every day. That kind of takes the concept of my long run to a new level.  I know it may seem silly to be writing all this after just two days, but mentally I know that I'm going to be able to run ten miles a day, day in and day out.  That is how far my running fitness has come in the last year. 

What's remarkable is that over the last 17 months, I've actually averaged 27 miles a week of running.  That includes a significant down period last winter where I was injured for the first time in a long time.  What stands out to me from this graph is the consistency that I've developed over the past eight months where I've averaged 31 miles a week with an even greater level of consistency.  My coach pointed out that, at the age of 62, this is pretty remarkable.  My taper for an Ironman that didn't happen allowed me to recover and then do the 20 mile trail race.  But now I'm ready for the next phase of further developing my running fitness.  While I continue to train for Ironman, and particularly Ironman St. George in May, in my heart I've become a runner and in the spirit of finding what works for me every day, this is the path I'll be taking for the time being.  We'll have to see where this graph goes over the next couple of months! 

The most important thing is that I'm not a slave to a number.  My daily run seems to have settled in at around 90 minutes, and I'll start adding in a long run in the next week or so.  That long run will probably start out to be 2 hours, and I'll gradually increase it over the next few months.  I'm also committed to doing walking lunges to start every day.  Yesterday, I did five (each leg).  Today, I'll do seven.  I don't want to overdo these, but they appear to be the most important strength exercise that I can perform on my legs with some degree of specificity for running.  My journey continues.

Journey Back to Kona Day 56: Listening to my Gut and Saying No

I had planned to start my day by meditating yesterday, but that's not what my gut wanted to do.  My gut wanted to run.  Now, running for me is generally meditative, so there really isn't a difference.  Also, if I'm going to fill the voids that I make for myself by taking things off my list, I need to fill them with the things that make sense to me.  Running felt right.  After my 10 mile run, I meditated.  My gut knows what I need to do, but I often find myself fighting with that instinct.  Yesterday was a test of that.  It started with that decision, and while I tried to inform someone of my decision to let go of one of the things that I realized I needed to let go of last week, that discussion had to wait until later in the day.  

I really don't like to disappoint anyone.  I've written about that before.  It's a deep-seated feeling that is one of my constant struggles.  However, the person that I least need to disappoint is myself.  The underlying feeling that I have when I say no to someone is truly one of my greatest challenges.  In many ways, it's harder than finishing an Ironman.  But I did it yesterday.  I felt some degree of stress from it, but I also felt relief.  It's my first (of many) first step.  I know I've entered down this path before, but this has to be my final time starting down this road.  I have to closely look for the side-roads that tug at me, acknowledge them, and move forward.  

I've never truly liked working for anyone.  It's not really in my DNA.  It never has been.  I'm an iconoclast.  I'm independent.  Two interesting traits for someone who doesn't like to say no!  No wonder I have days where I'm filled with anxiety.  

I ran 10 miles yesterday.  It felt great.  I don't know how far I'll run today, but my body will tell me what the right amount is.  I have some things scheduled this week, but I'm already working on converting my schedule in the weeks ahead.  There has to be time for me.  No more addiction to picking picking up the phone immediately.  I harken back to when I was younger, we didn't have cell phones. Hell, we didn't even have answering machines.  If we weren't home, we weren't answering the phone.  If we were out for a walk, we'd be walking.  If we working in the yard, we'd be doing yard work.  Well, truth be told, I never really liked yard work.  

There's a freedom that stuck its neck out yesterday that I really need to hold onto.  I know what I need to do.  I also know that includes saying no a lot more.  But it all includes saying yes. To myself.

Journey Back to Kona Day 55: Filling a Void

I really struggled yesterday.  I have days like this, where I feel anxious.  There were two likely reasons for how I felt.  In the process of dealing with my work-a-holism I need to let someone know that I will no longer be performing a particular job.  They've been someone that I've enjoyed working with.  It really does make sense that I'm anxious over this, as that last thing I ever want to do is to say no to someone.  Anyone.  It's one of the things that gets me in trouble.  It doesn't have anything to do with the adrenaline rush that I get from being a work-a-holic, though I supposed it's possible that there are some dots that could be connected there.  It has more to do with the perception of disappointing someone. I could just send an email, but that is not in my nature.  I have to do things the right way.  This morning, I'll make the call and say no.  As I write this, I know that this was definitely one of the things that was making me anxious yesterday, because I can begin to feel some relief by just committing myself to do it.

I will write more another day about the challenge the I have in saying no.  I've written about it before, and it is a lifelong struggle for me.  But today I will write about filling a void, because I know that will also be part of my challenge going forward.  I've been addicted to the adrenaline rush over the past 19 months.  There's been a lot of adrenaline.  Following a new schedule means letting go of the adrenaline.  Starting my day by meditating means not starting my day by looking at emails or tweets, or writing something that I wake up with in my head.  Ironically that's been a driving force for the past 19 months.  I get on a "kick" over something, and run with it.  It's primarily been about COVID-19 and saving lives, but it transcends to politics and potential influence whether it be through legislation, the media or something else.  It really pushes the adrenaline.  Acknowledging that I'm not going to start my day that way is unsettling.  There's definitely a void.

Instead of feeling the void and letting it control me, I need to consider that I'm filling the void with meditation and structure.  I don't need to do the habitual things that I've gotten used to over the years, which have been made worse throughout the pandemic by their connection to an apparent purpose.  Letting go of the addictive aspect of this is unsettling and feels like there's a void.  The only way I'm going to push through this is to actually start my new routine, a routine with less adrenaline, but definitely with purpose, and definitely promoting balance, which is what I know I must do.

So, today, I'll meditate.  Then, I'll stretch. Then, I'll run.  It's been 9 days since my 20 mile race, my quads are better, though my glutes are a little sore from doing squats the last few days.  But that's ok.  Running is something I'm familiar with.  It's something I've determined is part of my plan going forward.  Isn't the title of my blog, "Journey Back to Kona?" I haven't let go of that purpose.  I haven't decided not to pursue that form of adrenaline rush.  However, and this may be part of what is unsettling me, it has to be in balance.  No one said that this was going to be easy. Push one side of the balloon, and another side pops out.  As I write, that's what is going to happen. Knowing that I'll write every morning is a reminder that I will have time to address each and every one of these issues that pop up.  Today, I acknowledge that voids will exist.  Today, I'll start developing my approach to filling a void.

Journey Back to Kona Day 54: Adrenaline and the Importance of Balance.

I wrote yesterday about the adrenaline rush that I get from multiple sources.  When it occurs, it certainly doesn't feel negative. However, and I know this all too well, the impact on the body is significant. Not only does the body only have so much adrenaline it can handle, each surge sets off it's own cascade of other hormones and bodily responses.  Getting ramped up has its benefits in the moment, but crashing down afterwards is inevitable.  Therein lies the rub, and the importance of balance.

I started my day yesterday with meditation.  Ironically, the guided meditation on balance that I chose spoke directly to yesterday's blog.  It reminded me of the odd coincidence's that have followed me since the beginning of the pandemic.  Finding balance is about making choices, not unlike the game where you keep adding blocks, all the while trying to avoid having the structure come crashing down.  Maybe the better analogy is one of keeping a tree trimmed on a regular basis, lest it get too full and the branches will break during a storm.  It's time to start trimming!

There's only so many things that one can do in a day, and though I might like them all, I need to make choices.  Therein lies my problem.  I don't know how to say no.  I can't say no to others, and I can't even say no to myself.  Hence, the need for and the importance of balance.

I often look back upon and remember Ironman St. George in 2012, where I worried that someone would die, but that it wouldn't be me.  I felt a peace and equanimity for some time after that race.  I actually felt like I was in balance. I would even get up in the morning in our new house, and sit in the backyard while reading the newspaper.  This was new to me, and ultimately, I don't think that I knew how to handle it.  It wasn't too long before I began to revert back to what had been my norm.  That norm had me looking for things to do, that norm had me keeping busy.  That norm brought back the adrenaline.  

I've already recognized that the first step in achieving balance is to add structure, and start that structure by meditating first thing in the morning immediately after I write my blog (funny, I've made excuses for not writing every day, I guess I just changed that). That must be my first step.  Nothing can get in the way of my morning meditation. Nothing. I also need to take control over the uncontrollable.  That means emails, the internet, texts and phone calls.  There's really no gradual approach to this.  Today is the day that I put my new schedule on my calendar.  My entire day can no longer be open for all of the things that I do. It's unsustainable, and only adds to the inability to manage the adrenaline. 

That's it for today.  Tomorrow, perhaps I'll write about the positives of adrenaline and how to appreciate it.

Journey Back to Kona Day 53: Being a Work-a-Holic

This is probably one of the least understood and under appreciated addictions.  I'm sure that I've written about it before, but I may have to go back and find what I said.  There are a variety of reasons behind being a work-a-holic, not the least of which is the adrenaline rush.  It's complicated, too, by the fact that there are a number of things that I love about my work.  They say that if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.  While there is truth to that, one has to define what that love of work means, and be specific about it. 

The internet, Google, social media, immediate news, are not the healthiest of options for someone who is addicted to adrenaline.  All of these things become available at the touch of a button, not unlike the experiments with cocaine and sugar that have been done on laboratory rats.  Keep it coming.  There is also an invisibility about a work addiction.  Is it about making money? Then it tends to get overlooked by one's duty to provide for their family.  Is it about accomplishments?  Then one gets plaudits for all of the things that they've done.  Is it about fame and attention? I can assure you that there is definitely a rush that comes with being on a stage, being on television or even being in the print media.  

We grapple with the difference between the adrenaline rush and the gratification of accomplishment.  The reasons behind the gratification are complex and deeply seated.  Addressing these are not always comfortable.

I've always wanted to help others.  Caring too much about the war in Vietnam in 3rd grade, as my teacher told my parents, was a lot for an eight year old. By the time I was twenty, I'd written letters to Menachem Begin and President Carter with my ideas.  Some might call this delusions of grandeur.  I can easily say that it was all based on my desire to help others.  It has always hurt me that other people suffer.  The problem with that is that there will always be suffering, and as I've learned over the years, it is possible for two people to be suffering for the same, but opposite, reason.  That discussion is for another day.

I care.  It's what I do. It's why I became a doctor.  It's also why I've spent almost every hour of every day since February 29th, 2020, engaged in the battle against the COVID-19 Pandemic.  There is also no question but that I have been struggling with burnout for quite some time.  It comes in waves, sometimes for minutes, sometime for hours, and sometimes for days.  The work addiction is my drug.  I grab onto it to help me get through the pain, but it is also part of the pain. 

Why am I writing about this today? Because, today, I'm spending the day with my father and my two brothers.  We haven't done this in, perhaps forever.  Yes, when I was younger we'd play basketball or ping pong.  We'd interact as a family. But my dad's wish to spend a day with his sons.  Something about it clicked for me in a variety of ways.  I have no clue what the day will be like.  I'm sure that my dad, who likes to daydream, has his idea of the day.  I'm excited to be part of it, and a little anxious. The unknown always breeds anxiety. 

So, I woke up thinking about my addiction, my work-a-holism. There's no question that it defines me. There's no question that I need to write more about it.  Today's post is only a beginning, only a simple scratch at the surface of something that tends to define every day of my life.  Since I love to jump to the conclusion of things, I'll close by sharing my plan to meditate next.  I know that meditation is ultimately the one thing that I need to do to combat my addiction to work. I now that meditation is the one thing that will ground me and keep the adrenaline from becoming overwhelming. It's the one thing that will help me in my day-to-day battle against being a work-a-holic.