Journey Back to Kona Day 56: Listening to my Gut and Saying No

I had planned to start my day by meditating yesterday, but that's not what my gut wanted to do.  My gut wanted to run.  Now, running for me is generally meditative, so there really isn't a difference.  Also, if I'm going to fill the voids that I make for myself by taking things off my list, I need to fill them with the things that make sense to me.  Running felt right.  After my 10 mile run, I meditated.  My gut knows what I need to do, but I often find myself fighting with that instinct.  Yesterday was a test of that.  It started with that decision, and while I tried to inform someone of my decision to let go of one of the things that I realized I needed to let go of last week, that discussion had to wait until later in the day.  

I really don't like to disappoint anyone.  I've written about that before.  It's a deep-seated feeling that is one of my constant struggles.  However, the person that I least need to disappoint is myself.  The underlying feeling that I have when I say no to someone is truly one of my greatest challenges.  In many ways, it's harder than finishing an Ironman.  But I did it yesterday.  I felt some degree of stress from it, but I also felt relief.  It's my first (of many) first step.  I know I've entered down this path before, but this has to be my final time starting down this road.  I have to closely look for the side-roads that tug at me, acknowledge them, and move forward.  

I've never truly liked working for anyone.  It's not really in my DNA.  It never has been.  I'm an iconoclast.  I'm independent.  Two interesting traits for someone who doesn't like to say no!  No wonder I have days where I'm filled with anxiety.  

I ran 10 miles yesterday.  It felt great.  I don't know how far I'll run today, but my body will tell me what the right amount is.  I have some things scheduled this week, but I'm already working on converting my schedule in the weeks ahead.  There has to be time for me.  No more addiction to picking picking up the phone immediately.  I harken back to when I was younger, we didn't have cell phones. Hell, we didn't even have answering machines.  If we weren't home, we weren't answering the phone.  If we were out for a walk, we'd be walking.  If we working in the yard, we'd be doing yard work.  Well, truth be told, I never really liked yard work.  

There's a freedom that stuck its neck out yesterday that I really need to hold onto.  I know what I need to do.  I also know that includes saying no a lot more.  But it all includes saying yes. To myself.