This is probably one of the least understood and under appreciated addictions. I'm sure that I've written about it before, but I may have to go back and find what I said. There are a variety of reasons behind being a work-a-holic, not the least of which is the adrenaline rush. It's complicated, too, by the fact that there are a number of things that I love about my work. They say that if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. While there is truth to that, one has to define what that love of work means, and be specific about it.
The internet, Google, social media, immediate news, are not the healthiest of options for someone who is addicted to adrenaline. All of these things become available at the touch of a button, not unlike the experiments with cocaine and sugar that have been done on laboratory rats. Keep it coming. There is also an invisibility about a work addiction. Is it about making money? Then it tends to get overlooked by one's duty to provide for their family. Is it about accomplishments? Then one gets plaudits for all of the things that they've done. Is it about fame and attention? I can assure you that there is definitely a rush that comes with being on a stage, being on television or even being in the print media.
We grapple with the difference between the adrenaline rush and the gratification of accomplishment. The reasons behind the gratification are complex and deeply seated. Addressing these are not always comfortable.
I've always wanted to help others. Caring too much about the war in Vietnam in 3rd grade, as my teacher told my parents, was a lot for an eight year old. By the time I was twenty, I'd written letters to Menachem Begin and President Carter with my ideas. Some might call this delusions of grandeur. I can easily say that it was all based on my desire to help others. It has always hurt me that other people suffer. The problem with that is that there will always be suffering, and as I've learned over the years, it is possible for two people to be suffering for the same, but opposite, reason. That discussion is for another day.
I care. It's what I do. It's why I became a doctor. It's also why I've spent almost every hour of every day since February 29th, 2020, engaged in the battle against the COVID-19 Pandemic. There is also no question but that I have been struggling with burnout for quite some time. It comes in waves, sometimes for minutes, sometime for hours, and sometimes for days. The work addiction is my drug. I grab onto it to help me get through the pain, but it is also part of the pain.
Why am I writing about this today? Because, today, I'm spending the day with my father and my two brothers. We haven't done this in, perhaps forever. Yes, when I was younger we'd play basketball or ping pong. We'd interact as a family. But my dad's wish to spend a day with his sons. Something about it clicked for me in a variety of ways. I have no clue what the day will be like. I'm sure that my dad, who likes to daydream, has his idea of the day. I'm excited to be part of it, and a little anxious. The unknown always breeds anxiety.
So, I woke up thinking about my addiction, my work-a-holism. There's no question that it defines me. There's no question that I need to write more about it. Today's post is only a beginning, only a simple scratch at the surface of something that tends to define every day of my life. Since I love to jump to the conclusion of things, I'll close by sharing my plan to meditate next. I know that meditation is ultimately the one thing that I need to do to combat my addiction to work. I now that meditation is the one thing that will ground me and keep the adrenaline from becoming overwhelming. It's the one thing that will help me in my day-to-day battle against being a work-a-holic.
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