I really struggled yesterday. I have days like this, where I feel anxious. There were two likely reasons for how I felt. In the process of dealing with my work-a-holism I need to let someone know that I will no longer be performing a particular job. They've been someone that I've enjoyed working with. It really does make sense that I'm anxious over this, as that last thing I ever want to do is to say no to someone. Anyone. It's one of the things that gets me in trouble. It doesn't have anything to do with the adrenaline rush that I get from being a work-a-holic, though I supposed it's possible that there are some dots that could be connected there. It has more to do with the perception of disappointing someone. I could just send an email, but that is not in my nature. I have to do things the right way. This morning, I'll make the call and say no. As I write this, I know that this was definitely one of the things that was making me anxious yesterday, because I can begin to feel some relief by just committing myself to do it.
I will write more another day about the challenge the I have in saying no. I've written about it before, and it is a lifelong struggle for me. But today I will write about filling a void, because I know that will also be part of my challenge going forward. I've been addicted to the adrenaline rush over the past 19 months. There's been a lot of adrenaline. Following a new schedule means letting go of the adrenaline. Starting my day by meditating means not starting my day by looking at emails or tweets, or writing something that I wake up with in my head. Ironically that's been a driving force for the past 19 months. I get on a "kick" over something, and run with it. It's primarily been about COVID-19 and saving lives, but it transcends to politics and potential influence whether it be through legislation, the media or something else. It really pushes the adrenaline. Acknowledging that I'm not going to start my day that way is unsettling. There's definitely a void.
Instead of feeling the void and letting it control me, I need to consider that I'm filling the void with meditation and structure. I don't need to do the habitual things that I've gotten used to over the years, which have been made worse throughout the pandemic by their connection to an apparent purpose. Letting go of the addictive aspect of this is unsettling and feels like there's a void. The only way I'm going to push through this is to actually start my new routine, a routine with less adrenaline, but definitely with purpose, and definitely promoting balance, which is what I know I must do.
So, today, I'll meditate. Then, I'll stretch. Then, I'll run. It's been 9 days since my 20 mile race, my quads are better, though my glutes are a little sore from doing squats the last few days. But that's ok. Running is something I'm familiar with. It's something I've determined is part of my plan going forward. Isn't the title of my blog, "Journey Back to Kona?" I haven't let go of that purpose. I haven't decided not to pursue that form of adrenaline rush. However, and this may be part of what is unsettling me, it has to be in balance. No one said that this was going to be easy. Push one side of the balloon, and another side pops out. As I write, that's what is going to happen. Knowing that I'll write every morning is a reminder that I will have time to address each and every one of these issues that pop up. Today, I acknowledge that voids will exist. Today, I'll start developing my approach to filling a void.
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