I had the occasion today to recount a very stressful time in my life. In a lot of ways, it was good to put it out there so I can finally move on. At the same time, I was reminded of how much the experience impacted me. I ended up spending a good portion of the day feeling poorly. Sometimes we don't realize how much something bothers us. Avoiding our demons doesn't allow us to confront them. Confronting our demons can be stressful, in and of itself, but it can allow us to achieve closure. I think that my experience today reminded me that I still had some unfinished business. It also told me how much this one experience has affected me. Now it's behind me. We have all sorts of demons in our lives. It's so important to confront them. It's also important to be prepared for what comes with that. It's not easy. But it has to be done.
I think that one of the things that affected me so much today was the realization that there are so many things that are unfair in the world. It can be frustrating and disappointing. In some regards, that's just life. There are a lot of things in life that just aren't right. We can't change that, but we can focus on the good things that matter to us. In that respect, even our own demons are outweighed by any number of things. For that reason, our demons shouldn't matter that much. What does matter are the things that are important to us and that we enjoy.
Today was a lot rougher of a day than I had anticipated. But one thing that I've learned over my lifetime is that I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better than I did today. I'm already moving in the right direction, because I was able to spend my evening watching this adorable 4 year old go trick or treating! He even tried to face his demons at times, although some of those Halloween demons looked pretty scary. We all have our fears, but facing them matters at any age.
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
My First Love
Tonight, I went back to my first love. We haven't had much of a relationship since she left me in 1994. We used to spend time together every morning, and some afternoons and evenings. When I was a young boy, I pretended to be sick so I could stay at home and spend time with my first love. I'd spend countless hours in pursuit of everything about baseball, the sport that meant so much to me. There are so many memories today. The 1968 World Series, and Jim Northrup's grand slam home run in game 6. Bobby Bond's first hit, a home run, in his first major league game. Denny McClain, the last pitcher to win 30 games in a season. Hank Aaron, breaking Babe Ruth's career home run record. The list goes on. I loved to practice Juan Marichal's high kick, though I didn't learn until years later about what he did to John Roseboro in August of 1965.
I used to know the league leaders in batting average and ERA. I knew who was in first, and who was in last. I knew the names of many of the players on many of the teams. I used to devour the sports section every morning. I watched games on television, and even listened to them on the radio. Even as life got more complex and busy, I kept up with the game. It was, after all, my first love. And then came 1994. The game of baseball left me, and many others, in 1994 with a season ending strike. Baseball was never the same for me. Prior to 1994, life began in the late winter and spring with the exhibition season, and April meant it was time for baseball. October was the World Series. Baseball was a consistent part of life. The strike of 1994 ended that. The American pastime was not a certainty. The game that I, and so many others, loved, was just another business that really didn't care about it's customers.
Tonight was the 7th game of the 2019 World Series. It just seemed like time to go back to my first love. I've actually been following the series, and have even watched parts of some of the games. Incredibly, the first six games were won by the visiting team. I don't think that this has ever happened. I know that it's never happened for an entire seven game series. Each game has been unique. Each team has had games where they looked pedestrian, and games where they looked unbeatable. Fortunately, tonight's game has been a nail biter. Everything that I love about the game has been highlighted. Watching the Astro's pitcher has been enjoyable in and of itself. Not only was he pitching incredibly well, but his fielding prowess is unparalleled for the pitching position. I love to watch excellence. The National's pitcher, who a day earlier couldn't lift his arm due to a pinched nerve, gamely pitched well, with flashes of brilliance, but not to the level of his counterpart.
Yet, the beauty of baseball is such that, the game isn't over until it's over. Through six innings, the Astro's looked to have the game in hand. But, there's still three innings left. Baseball can be a metaphor for life. One should never give up. And, just like that, a home run cuts a two run lead in half. The National's, true to their style, are having fun, even though they're still behind. It's great to see these adults having fun in a game that is meant to be fun. After all, it's called a game. It's supposed to bring joy to those who play it and those who watch it. And, just like that, another home run, and the National's are winning! That's baseball. That's one of the things that has pulled me back into watching the game. The result of tonight's game doesn't matter. It isn't about winning and losing. It's about the game. And that's why I love it.
I used to know the league leaders in batting average and ERA. I knew who was in first, and who was in last. I knew the names of many of the players on many of the teams. I used to devour the sports section every morning. I watched games on television, and even listened to them on the radio. Even as life got more complex and busy, I kept up with the game. It was, after all, my first love. And then came 1994. The game of baseball left me, and many others, in 1994 with a season ending strike. Baseball was never the same for me. Prior to 1994, life began in the late winter and spring with the exhibition season, and April meant it was time for baseball. October was the World Series. Baseball was a consistent part of life. The strike of 1994 ended that. The American pastime was not a certainty. The game that I, and so many others, loved, was just another business that really didn't care about it's customers.
Tonight was the 7th game of the 2019 World Series. It just seemed like time to go back to my first love. I've actually been following the series, and have even watched parts of some of the games. Incredibly, the first six games were won by the visiting team. I don't think that this has ever happened. I know that it's never happened for an entire seven game series. Each game has been unique. Each team has had games where they looked pedestrian, and games where they looked unbeatable. Fortunately, tonight's game has been a nail biter. Everything that I love about the game has been highlighted. Watching the Astro's pitcher has been enjoyable in and of itself. Not only was he pitching incredibly well, but his fielding prowess is unparalleled for the pitching position. I love to watch excellence. The National's pitcher, who a day earlier couldn't lift his arm due to a pinched nerve, gamely pitched well, with flashes of brilliance, but not to the level of his counterpart.
Yet, the beauty of baseball is such that, the game isn't over until it's over. Through six innings, the Astro's looked to have the game in hand. But, there's still three innings left. Baseball can be a metaphor for life. One should never give up. And, just like that, a home run cuts a two run lead in half. The National's, true to their style, are having fun, even though they're still behind. It's great to see these adults having fun in a game that is meant to be fun. After all, it's called a game. It's supposed to bring joy to those who play it and those who watch it. And, just like that, another home run, and the National's are winning! That's baseball. That's one of the things that has pulled me back into watching the game. The result of tonight's game doesn't matter. It isn't about winning and losing. It's about the game. And that's why I love it.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Respect & Ego
I've been doing some more reflecting and today the topic of respect and ego came to me. When I was in College, I was doing research in a lab during the summer and encountered a graduate student who was very disrespectful to me. It bothered me so much that I decided to quit. I just didn't think it was either worth it, or healthy, to expose myself to that sort of bullying behavior. When I was a Geriatric Fellow, I decided to leave the program and go to work for Kaiser. A faculty member threatened me with all sorts of negative actions. I did my research and found none of the threats to be true or possible. I actually briefly threatened to obtain an attorney to respond to the threats, but found a ton of support from the rest of the faculty, and never had to resort to such a response. I've encountered bullies in my life along the way. Sometimes, it's possible to walk away. Sometimes, I've just had to put up with it until it went away. One thing is for sure, it never feels good. I was in a job a few years ago where I encountered some significantly disrespectful behavior towards me and the things I believed most passionately in. I chose to leave, rather than appear to enable that type of treatment.
Is walking away from someone who disrespects you giving up? Is it cowardly? Is it productive? Or, is it a healthy response to unhealthy treatment? I've been looking back at my last job recently. I now remember how a pattern of disrespect began at a certain point in time. I was aware of how I was being treated. It was very painful for me, and I remember many of those circumstances vividly. Why didn't I just walk away? I had ample opportunity to do so. However, I felt at the time that I had an opportunity to do something good for the people that have mattered to me the most over my career. That is the vulnerable and frail older adult population.
One of the interesting things that I noted during this period of time was that I often rationalized not quitting by saying that I didn't want to let my ego make decisions for me. I felt that I should be able to put up with the bullying and disrespect. I somehow convinced myself that giving up and leaving would be because I'd be giving in to my ego. Somehow, I convinced myself that would be wrong. As I look back, I have to be concerned that I was trying to be too intellectually pure. First of all, we all have an ego. Without our egos, we'd never get anything done. There's not only nothing wrong with having an ego, but in fact, egos are important. Ego allows me to believe in myself, which allows me to accomplish things I might not otherwise accomplish. It's certainly a balancing act.
How much do you put up with when you're being bullied and disrespected? What's the outcome you're looking for? What is the impact on your health and wellbeing? I can definitely say that what I went through was not healthy. There is no question in my mind that the months that I lived through being treated horribly did me no favors. I've spent most of this year recovering from it. No small part of the pain and damage was due to the feeling of being disrespected. Was it harmful to my ego? Maybe. But not out of vanity. Our ego exists to protect us. For some people, it is hyper vigilant and overstated. For others, it's just right. I hope that my ego is just right.
One thing is certain. A few years ago when I walked away from a job because I was disrespected, it felt right. I've never doubted that decision, and I didn't have to suffer needlessly. This last time, I allowed myself to suffer for quite awhile. Ironically, in the end, my reason for leaving had nothing to do with my ego. In some ways, it's the one thing that I've never achieved closure on. I still have some regrets over not quitting due to the disrespect and bullying. On the other hand, I've learned that there's no point in having regrets. So, I'll continue to try to balance the need for respect and how that plays into my ego. But, in a good way!
Is walking away from someone who disrespects you giving up? Is it cowardly? Is it productive? Or, is it a healthy response to unhealthy treatment? I've been looking back at my last job recently. I now remember how a pattern of disrespect began at a certain point in time. I was aware of how I was being treated. It was very painful for me, and I remember many of those circumstances vividly. Why didn't I just walk away? I had ample opportunity to do so. However, I felt at the time that I had an opportunity to do something good for the people that have mattered to me the most over my career. That is the vulnerable and frail older adult population.
One of the interesting things that I noted during this period of time was that I often rationalized not quitting by saying that I didn't want to let my ego make decisions for me. I felt that I should be able to put up with the bullying and disrespect. I somehow convinced myself that giving up and leaving would be because I'd be giving in to my ego. Somehow, I convinced myself that would be wrong. As I look back, I have to be concerned that I was trying to be too intellectually pure. First of all, we all have an ego. Without our egos, we'd never get anything done. There's not only nothing wrong with having an ego, but in fact, egos are important. Ego allows me to believe in myself, which allows me to accomplish things I might not otherwise accomplish. It's certainly a balancing act.
How much do you put up with when you're being bullied and disrespected? What's the outcome you're looking for? What is the impact on your health and wellbeing? I can definitely say that what I went through was not healthy. There is no question in my mind that the months that I lived through being treated horribly did me no favors. I've spent most of this year recovering from it. No small part of the pain and damage was due to the feeling of being disrespected. Was it harmful to my ego? Maybe. But not out of vanity. Our ego exists to protect us. For some people, it is hyper vigilant and overstated. For others, it's just right. I hope that my ego is just right.
One thing is certain. A few years ago when I walked away from a job because I was disrespected, it felt right. I've never doubted that decision, and I didn't have to suffer needlessly. This last time, I allowed myself to suffer for quite awhile. Ironically, in the end, my reason for leaving had nothing to do with my ego. In some ways, it's the one thing that I've never achieved closure on. I still have some regrets over not quitting due to the disrespect and bullying. On the other hand, I've learned that there's no point in having regrets. So, I'll continue to try to balance the need for respect and how that plays into my ego. But, in a good way!
Monday, October 28, 2019
On the Right Track
I realized today how focused I was for the first nine months of the year on Ironman training. I've been planning to go back to work, but for the last couple of months there was really one thing, and only one thing on my mind. Kona. But Kona is over. And my life is moving on. I had a meeting today to discuss my upcoming job, and it felt right! I remembered how I felt a few months ago when I was offered the position.
When I was flying home from Kona I was talking to a top older age grouper who was also retired. He asked, "what else would I do?" when it came to spending time in his life. While I lived that approach for nine months, it isn't who I am. I know that now. My purpose in life has and will always be to help older adults to live their lives to the fullest. Ironman has given me the opportunity to show what can be done as we age, but the fact that I was more excited by the 75 year old that finished just ahead of me than I was for myself, is a reminder as to what really matters to me!
When I was flying home from Kona I was talking to a top older age grouper who was also retired. He asked, "what else would I do?" when it came to spending time in his life. While I lived that approach for nine months, it isn't who I am. I know that now. My purpose in life has and will always be to help older adults to live their lives to the fullest. Ironman has given me the opportunity to show what can be done as we age, but the fact that I was more excited by the 75 year old that finished just ahead of me than I was for myself, is a reminder as to what really matters to me!
It's time to move forward, with a clear focus consistent with my purpose. The great thing is that was so clear to me today. I know that I'm on the right track. I know what I want to be doing, and where I want to be doing it!
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Change
Most people don't like change. I can remember many the times that I suggested changes to people who worked for me. It usually got a wary response. At the same time, change is the one constant in the world. Nothing is static. My good friend and mentor, Ray, used to say, "if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward." Moving forward requires change. Embracing change is much easier to handle than fighting against it.
I've spent the last 9 months focused on doing the Ironman in Kona. It was truly my singular focus. It impacted other things in my life. That was my choice, and I'm glad I chose to do it that way. I will always know that I gave my dream everything I had. Now, it's time for a change. I've been blogging about what those changes might look like, and they're crystallizing for me.
I got a surprise the other day, when I found out that my cholesterol and triglycerides were higher than ever. I would have "thought" that all of my exercise would have had some impact. But, I really hadn't "thought" about it. I had "hoped" it would make a difference. The more that I think about it, the more I realize that my singular focus on training allowed me to do something that might not have been healthy for me. Over the past nine months, I've liberalized my intake of simple sugars, in order to make sure that I could maintain the type of rigorous training program that I was engaging in. In retrospect, it might have been the wrong choice. Of course, I can't go back and change the past. But, i am changing the future. As of two days ago, I've eliminated simple sugars from my diet.
As a physician and athlete, I'm actually fascinated by what happened. I realize that it's possible to train 20 hours a week, and not burn all of the sugar that I was putting into my body. Some of that sugar went into the production of triglycerides. In some ways, my efforts to become fat adapted over the past few years may have boomeranged on me. It's probable that the sugar I was taking during exercise wasn't necessary. I was taking in too much.
I have a change to enact and manage over the next three months. No gels, no carbohydrate drinks. I'll go back to my good fat, good protein, no simple carbohydrate diet that I'd been on previously. I'll do my exercise in the morning before eating anything, and without any calories. I'm only going to be working out for 45-60 minutes at a time, so this isn't an issue. Even if I was doing a longer workout, it would be an issue. I know that. This is a pretty easy change for me to embrace.
I've spent the last 9 months focused on doing the Ironman in Kona. It was truly my singular focus. It impacted other things in my life. That was my choice, and I'm glad I chose to do it that way. I will always know that I gave my dream everything I had. Now, it's time for a change. I've been blogging about what those changes might look like, and they're crystallizing for me.
I got a surprise the other day, when I found out that my cholesterol and triglycerides were higher than ever. I would have "thought" that all of my exercise would have had some impact. But, I really hadn't "thought" about it. I had "hoped" it would make a difference. The more that I think about it, the more I realize that my singular focus on training allowed me to do something that might not have been healthy for me. Over the past nine months, I've liberalized my intake of simple sugars, in order to make sure that I could maintain the type of rigorous training program that I was engaging in. In retrospect, it might have been the wrong choice. Of course, I can't go back and change the past. But, i am changing the future. As of two days ago, I've eliminated simple sugars from my diet.
As a physician and athlete, I'm actually fascinated by what happened. I realize that it's possible to train 20 hours a week, and not burn all of the sugar that I was putting into my body. Some of that sugar went into the production of triglycerides. In some ways, my efforts to become fat adapted over the past few years may have boomeranged on me. It's probable that the sugar I was taking during exercise wasn't necessary. I was taking in too much.
I have a change to enact and manage over the next three months. No gels, no carbohydrate drinks. I'll go back to my good fat, good protein, no simple carbohydrate diet that I'd been on previously. I'll do my exercise in the morning before eating anything, and without any calories. I'm only going to be working out for 45-60 minutes at a time, so this isn't an issue. Even if I was doing a longer workout, it would be an issue. I know that. This is a pretty easy change for me to embrace.
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Our Various "Families"
I'm in Florida today, speaking at the Florida Medical Directors Association Annual Meeting. I haven't given my talk yet, but the meeting as already been worth it. I've been a Geriatrician for the past thirty years, and during that time I've made a lot of good friends. We share a common bond, insofar as we've dedicated our professional lives to improving the health and wellbeing of older adults. It always brings about good feelings when you get to spend time with kindred spirits. This is always one of the experiences that serves to get me inspired or fired up even more than I already am about the thing I'm most passionate about. The importance of having a "family" of people who share what matters to you is really important.
One of my challenges, is when I come into contact with others who share my passion and commitment, it does tend to energize the workaholic in me. I want to do things. I want to help others do things. Etc., etc.. I admit, I was always one of those kids in school with my hand raised, wanting to answer a question. I'm not a lot different in "real life." Seeing old friends and colleagues pushes that button.
It's interesting that I used the word "family" to describe the people I saw today. We all have different families in our lives. Obviously, we have our immediate family, and extended families to varying degrees. But we also make new families in our work and extracurricular lives. I feel like I have a triathlon family. I can easily get lost in talking about running, biking and swimming with these folks. I feel at home in some ways with my triathlon family. I definitely have my Geriatrics family. These are the people that I saw today. We are comfortable talking about anything Geriatrics related. It's always fun to hear similar refrains and responses.
Our different "families" give us different feelings and inspire different reactions. My professional family makes me want to do things in that world. To some degree, that gets my cortisol going, which can be helpful, especially when it's time for me to give my talk today. On the other hand, that cortisol surge has other physiologic manifestations. My triathlon family inspires me to exercise. Enough said. My immediate family makes me feel love and happiness. Those are good things.
One of my challenges, is when I come into contact with others who share my passion and commitment, it does tend to energize the workaholic in me. I want to do things. I want to help others do things. Etc., etc.. I admit, I was always one of those kids in school with my hand raised, wanting to answer a question. I'm not a lot different in "real life." Seeing old friends and colleagues pushes that button.
It's interesting that I used the word "family" to describe the people I saw today. We all have different families in our lives. Obviously, we have our immediate family, and extended families to varying degrees. But we also make new families in our work and extracurricular lives. I feel like I have a triathlon family. I can easily get lost in talking about running, biking and swimming with these folks. I feel at home in some ways with my triathlon family. I definitely have my Geriatrics family. These are the people that I saw today. We are comfortable talking about anything Geriatrics related. It's always fun to hear similar refrains and responses.
Our different "families" give us different feelings and inspire different reactions. My professional family makes me want to do things in that world. To some degree, that gets my cortisol going, which can be helpful, especially when it's time for me to give my talk today. On the other hand, that cortisol surge has other physiologic manifestations. My triathlon family inspires me to exercise. Enough said. My immediate family makes me feel love and happiness. Those are good things.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Catharsis
I get the most work done while on an airplane. There are no distractions, and I'm stuck in one place for 4-5 hours. Today, I decided to write about my experiences from my job last year. I just started to write. I wrote about how I came to get the job, how things started out, the challenges that I encountered and the efforts I took to bring change to a very dysfunctional organization. Before I knew it, I was deep into reliving what I learned and how I acted on it. One of the greatest things that sitting and writing brought to me was a realization of what I actually accomplished. I've struggled a lot with what I ultimately considered a failure. Upon reflection, however, I realize that I accomplished far more than I realized, and perhaps more than anyone could have ever expected. I got close to the summit, but then fell off the cliff and down the mountain.
I will always compare life to Ironman, and I always judge my races on the effort I give. Results, when they occur, can be fleeting. There is often a lot that we can't control. There was a lot of that in this job. I just kept writing, and before I knew it, I'd written nearly 3,000 words. And, I was only partially done! I finally got tired, but instead of stopping, I made notes of the things that I hadn't written about yet that I wanted to cover another time. Maybe on the flight home on Sunday?
I was pleasantly surprised by the feeling of catharsis that was associated with writing about my experience. I've spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about my experiences. Some of that thinking was associated with regret, some of it with anger, and a lot of it with self doubt. I've been doing better as of late, so perhaps that is why today was possible. I had not preconceived notions as to what I was writing about. I just let it come to me.
There are a lot of lessons for me in this, as I work on determining the next chapter of my life. I've definitely had therapists who suggest just sitting down and writing, letting my thoughts spill out onto the page. I've done that at times, and I have to say that it's often been helpful. This was a different experience. I've thought that I could actually write a book about my experiences. I don't know if I want to do that for a lot of reasons, but just writing for myself was meaningful, and cathartic.
I will always compare life to Ironman, and I always judge my races on the effort I give. Results, when they occur, can be fleeting. There is often a lot that we can't control. There was a lot of that in this job. I just kept writing, and before I knew it, I'd written nearly 3,000 words. And, I was only partially done! I finally got tired, but instead of stopping, I made notes of the things that I hadn't written about yet that I wanted to cover another time. Maybe on the flight home on Sunday?
I was pleasantly surprised by the feeling of catharsis that was associated with writing about my experience. I've spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about my experiences. Some of that thinking was associated with regret, some of it with anger, and a lot of it with self doubt. I've been doing better as of late, so perhaps that is why today was possible. I had not preconceived notions as to what I was writing about. I just let it come to me.
There are a lot of lessons for me in this, as I work on determining the next chapter of my life. I've definitely had therapists who suggest just sitting down and writing, letting my thoughts spill out onto the page. I've done that at times, and I have to say that it's often been helpful. This was a different experience. I've thought that I could actually write a book about my experiences. I don't know if I want to do that for a lot of reasons, but just writing for myself was meaningful, and cathartic.
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