Home Again, Naturally

I rode my bike for nearly 3 1/2 hours today.  I felt like I was home, literally.  There is no question but that Kona took a lot out of me.  I trained hard.  I raced hard, despite being sick.  When I finished, I felt like I was done.  It makes sense.  My body was depleted.  I'd reached the pinnacle of my dreams for Ironman racing.  Yet, for the past 4 1/2 months, something has been missing.  During my bike ride today, I realized that I wasn't depressed.  In a way, it was an odd realization.  Upon reflection, it meant that I've been depressed.  I've been trying to find the right course for myself.  For many years, the training that I did for Ironman seemed to be the right course.  I've always had an affinity for triathlon, and always seemed to be drawn towards Ironman.  With that said, I've often been in denial, saying that I did this crazy Ironman thing for my health.  It turns out that I love the training.  I felt at peace the other day swimming for an hour straight, not bothering to try to swim as hard as I could, but focusing on enjoying the motion and the flow of swimming for an hour straight.  I could have swam longer.  It would have been fine.  For someone like myself, who is Type A and always pushing, this is healthy.  When I ran yesterday for nearly two hours, it felt right. I didn't try to break any speed records, I just enjoyed the flow of running and the peacefulness and mindfulness of being outside an moving.  Today, it felt right to wake up and get on my bike.  I wasn't trying to prove anything, although I was curious how my legs and body would respond having not been on my bike for over two months.  Damn, I rode my bike for nearly 3 1/2 hours.  I felt fine.  I felt at peace.  I felt happy. I felt good.

The human body and the mind are amazing.  I'm sure that I've struggled physiologically since I pounded myself into oblivion at Kona.  Kona was a culmination of a lot of things.  I loved my week there, despite the fact that I was pretty miserable due to my sinus infection.  Since coming back, I've forgotten about that.  I should be at a point in my life where I allow myself to focus on what makes me happy.  Why not?  I know that trying to help people is good.  In many ways, I gain satisfaction from doing so.   But, does it make me happy?  To a degree, and to that degree, I can give some of my time.

Time.  That's the real question.  There are so many hours in a day.  What I do with my time should be up to me.  I should decide what brings me joy and focus on that.  One thing is for sure.  This week has taught me that swimming, biking and running does bring me joy.  Over the next several days, it's time to hone in on the other things that I do with my life.  Most of these things bring me mental satisfaction.  They allow me to use my brain.  There's some degree of joy in that.  Problem solving can be fun!  The key is balance.  I've never been good at balance.

I remember when I was in high school.  I had decided to graduate a year early,  but came to the conclusion that I should actually enjoy my senior year in college.  I ended up going part time to Cal State Long Beach, but I did take the time to enjoy my last year of high school.  That might have been the last time that I effectively made such a decision.  When I retired for the first time, this was what I meant to do, but other things got in the way and that approach got derailed.

I have the start.  I feel like I'm home again, naturally.

Meditative Running

Today was meditative.  I ran a very hilly 11.3 miles comfortably.  I let my mind do whatever it wanted to do.  Some of the time was just enjoying the moments during the run. Some of the time was spent thinking about a variety of things I'm presently engaged with.  I really am able to put myself in a meditative state during these types of runs.  I was also able to just run.  I haven't done a run like this since Kona.  I have to admit that I miss it.  I guess I really do like long runs and the feeling that they bring.

Running for nearly two hours not only felt good, but my legs also felt good. Good enough to go for a swim after my run.  And, my swim went fine as well.  Now I get to see how my legs feel tomorrow morning.  There is value in meditation.  There is value in running.  Meditation is healthy.  There is definitely something positive about comfortable distance training, whether it be running or swimming.  Tomorrow, I'll see how my cycling meditative skills are doing.  After Kona, it's been hard to know how this type of training feels again.  I was definitely at peace most of last year during my training for Kona.  Not doing that type of training has been a change for me.  Not that I've been feeling like doing this type of training.  Suddenly, I feel different.

I've been meditating daily every day this year.  There's certainly a difference between meditating for 10 minutes and meditating during a long run, bike or swim.  If I start doing more of this type of training, it will be interesting to see how it is reflected in my feelings of anxiety, or lack thereof.  Today was a great start to meditative running.

Finding Peace

I found peace today.  After a full day of "work," I stopped at the pool on the way home.  I got in the water and started swimming.  I focused on my form and feeing comfortable.  I let at peace.  An hour later, I got out of the pool.  I could have kept swimming.  My shoulders felt fine, my arms felt fine.  I felt fine.  Moreover, I was at peace.  There is no better form of meditation than swimming.  Swimming comfortably is perfect.  I wasn't trying to swim fast. I wasn't trying to do anything.  The only thing that I focused on was feeling one with the water.  I was at peace.

What's remarkable about today's swim was that I haven't swam in well over two months, with the exception of a short swim early this week.  The fact that I could jump in the water and swim for an hour straight was fascinating to me.  Obviously, my form is still solid.  From a strength perspective, I was a little slower than I had been six months ago, but not appreciably so.  Crazy.  I'm not sure why this was the case.  I've been focused on running short distances and I've been doing a lot of body weight strength work.  Somehow, that seems to have helped maintain a basic level of fitness.

I've done two 6 mile runs this week, and my legs have felt fine.  I'll follow that up tomorrow with a bit of a longer run.  It will be interesting to see how that feels.  Probably the most important point of all of this is the fact that I felt at peace.  My wife suggested that I needn't tie my training to a purpose, but rather should just do it for the pure joy.  Which is what I did today.  It was definitely peaceful.  It's been 4 1/2 months since Kona.  I don't know what's next, and I don't know why.  What I do know is that I want peace.  Why not?

Pondering my Vote

I went for a six mile run today. I really like that feeling that I get when I'm just out running.  I think that I've missed that. Hmmm, something else to ponder.  However, I'd read a lot of the debate analysis this morning and I clearly am the only person in the entire world that thinks that Mike Bloomberg did well last n night!  I guess I need to open my eyes and pay attention.  Bloomberg is definitely a technocrat, and he is clearly not charismatic on any scale imaginable.  I guess that disqualifies him in the eyes of many.  Maybe he's too far right on business for Democrats and there's no question that he's too far left on social issues for Republicans and Libertarians.  I've realized that all of the other candidates, with the exception of Tom Steyer, have varying degrees and types of charisma.  Bernie has the gruff charm, Warren has the biting charm, Buttigieg has the schoolboy charm.  Klobuchar is also lacking in charisma, but has more than Bloomberg and Steyer combined.  That leaves Biden.  Everyone seemed to think he did great last night, and my daughter and I felt like he was yelling at us. Maybe that's his charisma, channelling the younger Joe Biden.

If I had to rank all of them on a narcissist scale, they'd probably all score high, although I may have to study up on that for the next debate.  In fact, that's what I'm going to do next time, score them all on a narcissism scale!  I don't know what I'll do with the result, but it will give me something to think about.  That leaves me with my decision on who to vote for.  While Bloomberg will get plenty of votes from people who watch advertisements, it seems that almost none of the political pundits like him.  Is that a reason not to vote for him?  Is the fact that he'll really be a benevolent dictator a reason not to vote for him.  He's obviously not a good debater.  Is that a reason not to vote for him?  If not him, then, it will clearly be Buttigieg.  There's my choice.  Time to ponder.

Debate Night

This time, I developed a scorecard.  There were two categories.  The first category was for policy.  I scored answers on a scale of 1 to 3, and gave credit for responses to specific topics.  Honestly, I listened for what made sense to me.  My focus was on substance, not style.  I've noticed online that some commentators didn't like the way that Mike Bloomberg looked in answering questions, but I thought that his answers were straightforward and made sense.  He also had a lot of answers, which meant that he made sure that he got the opportunity to respond.  In the end, he got 34 points, with the most responses.  It turns out that he spoke for 13.3 minutes, giving him 2.6 points/minute speaking.  I thought that he did the most with his time.  On substance, I think that he stayed focused on what he could do, and avoided attacking others, though he responded when he needed to (I'll get to that later). I believe that Bloomberg completely turned around his previous debate performance.

Second in scoring was Pete Buttigieg.  Once again, he was smart and sharp in his policy responses.  He also was more disciplined in not getting pulled into fights.  He got 27 points, which translated to 2.2 points/minute for his 12.3 minutes of speaking time.  He also had a few really good sound bites.  I continue to like him.  Third in scoring was Amy  Klobuchar, with 24 points, although she only scored 1.8 points/minute for her 13.5 minutes, telling me that she didn't fully take advantage of her opportunities.  Ironically, the person with the next highest policy score was Tom Steyer, who got 17 points, but managed 2.4 points/minute in his debate low 7 minutes of speaking time.  He was almost a non-entity, but when he spoke, he was articulate and made good points.

Now we get to the lower tier.  Bernie Sanders managed 16 points, but that was primarily because he ended up with the most minutes of speaking time, thus 1 point per minute.  I was completely unimpressed with his platitude at this point.  He can articulate what's wrong, I get that, but I'm less than impressed with his solutions.  He also took a ton of hits tonight.  Rounding out the bottom were Biden and Warren, both with 10 points and 0.8 points per minute in their 12.5 and 13 minutes of speaking respectively.  My daughter made a great comment about Biden.  He seemed to be yelling all night.  Some of the commentators seem to take this as his being engaged and passionate, honestly, I felt like my daughter did, that he was yelling at us.

And now for the second part of my scorecard, the fight card.  This was fascinating.  I gave positive points (from 1 to 3) for direct hits by one candidate on another, and I gave negative points if the candidate either effectively deflected the hit or the hit didn't connect.  The person who got the most points for landing direct hits or effectively deflecting them was Buttigieg, who garnered 14 points, mostly for absolutely battering Sanders.  He even got a couple of hits in on Bloomberg.  Klobuchar also effectively landed hits on Bloomberg, Biden, Warren and Sanders.  Steyer landed hits on Bloomberg, Biden and Sanders.  Bloomberg weighed into the fight and landed hits or effectively parried Warrens attempts.  He also did the same with Sanders.  I felt that Warren's attempts at fighting were all off the mark, as were Bernie's.

One really interesting thing about having a scorecard is that I could look at how many hits were landed on specific candidates.  It wasn't even close.  Sanders took a net of 24 points worth of hits.  The next was Warren who had 5 point, most of which came from her hits being off the mark (mostly on Bloomberg).  I really thought that Warren continues to focus on being nasty, rather than focusing on effectively laying out policy ideas.  I know that her brothers were in the military and that she comes from a family of teachers.   There were multiple attempts to hit Bloomberg, but I felt that he parried them all effectively, and ended up with the most negative points in the fight (which would actually be a positive for him overall).  Almost no one tried to take on Steyer or Klobuchar, in fact the only person who tried, and didn't succeed, was Biden.  Also, no one really took on Buttigieg, though Sanders tried to fight back a couple of times.

In the aggregate, adding the policy scores to the fighting scores, Bloomberg and Buttigieg were tied at 41 points.  If I use policy as the tiebreaker, Bloomberg wins.  Third was Klobuchar with 32 points and fourth was Steyer with 23.  Bringing up the rear were Sanders, Biden and Warren.

The interesting thing about keeping a scorecard was that I was focused on what they said, not how they looked or acted.  I was listening to their responses to the questions and to each others critiques.  Bloomberg make up for his prior debate performance.  Buttigieg shows he belongs, as does Klobuchar.  It's time for Warren, Biden and Steyer to drop out.  I'll read and listen to the pundits over the next few days to see if any of their comments change my mind.  I'm still on the fence for who to vote for on Super Tuesday.

Is Sanders now Disqualified?

Bernie Sanders not only choice not to speak at the upcoming AIPAC conference, but put out a tweet that was highly inflammatory and negative in regards to AIPAC.  I've already had my concerns about him for many reasons, but this puts me over the top when it comes to my complete inability to support him.  When Pete Buttigieg calls out Sanders and his supporters as being divisive, he is right.  When Sanders is asked about how he'll fund Medicare for All, he doesn't answer, and tends to attack anyone who asks reasonable questions.  Does this sound familiar?  I'm beginning to wonder if Bernie Sanders isn't the mirror image of donald trump.

Sanders tweeted that AIPAC is connected to "leaders and express bigotry and oppose basic Palestinian rights."  Everything that I've read about AIPAC says otherwise.  They strive to share a balanced and authentic view of Israel.  This is a subject that I've lived and breathed for nearly fifty years.  It appears that Sanders is either getting bad information, or he truly doesn't understand the impossible situation that Israel is in.  It's possible to care about the Palestinian people and to want to make sure that Israel is safe and secure.  That's what Sanders would have us think is his position.  However, if he truly held those views, he'd know that AIPAC doesn't discount the suffering of the Palestinian people.  However, AIPAC's mission and reason to be is to support Israel's right to exist and to educate congress in relation to that right and the challenges that Israel faces on a daily basis.

The U.N. voted in 1948 for a two state solution for Israel and Palestine.  The surrounding Arab countries chose to denounce this and declared war on Israel.  The Palestinian problem started then and there.  Palestinians have been used for political purposes ever since.  The unfortunate part of this is that the people themselves aren't at fault.  I even understand why those who live under these impossible circumstances would feel the weight of oppression.  There has truly not been any reasonable solution to this situation.  Bernie Sanders should understand all of this, but he doesn't seem to want to take the time to learn the facts.  This is no different than his avoidance of the facts when it comes to Medicare for All.

Bernie Sanders has never been a team player.  He has not passed much legislatively that he has actually sponsored.  Somehow, this isn't surprising.  He is divisive.  He is intolerant of others.  He is actually a bully in his own right.  That's not who we need for the next president.

The Dangers of Plagiarism

I saw something on Twitter this morning that could end up in the news pretty soon.  It appears that Pete Buttigieg tweeted (and said in a speech) something similar to what President Obama said in one of his speeches ("If we can light up a high school gym--we can light a neighborhood...If we can light up a neighborhood--we can light a city..." compared to Obama saying "One voice can change a room, and if...can change a city...).  I think there is clearly enough similarity to call the possibility of plagiarism into question.  It would have been fine if he put quotes around the words and credited President Obama.  In fact, that would have been more than fine, it would have highlighted his support and respect for President Obama.

Taking an Obama quote and sending it out as if it's his own, however, could be a whole other story.  Just ask Joe Biden.  Plagiarism can quickly derail a campaign, and now is not a good time to get derailed, right before Super Tuesday.  If he doesn't get ahead of this before it percolates up to the national news (which should occur within 24-48 hours), this could prove to be the end of his campaign.  Maybe that's well enough anyway.  He's had a great run, but it's not looking likely that he can garner enough support to jump up to second.  Unfortunately, whoever is in second after Super Tuesday will take the lead a the alternative to Bernie Sanders.  I say unfortunately because, it could be Joe Biden.  The former front runner can not be looked at as the alternative as he rapidly declines from his previous perch.  Biden should have dropped out already, but instead, his ego has kept him going.  That ego will ultimately lead to Bernie Sanders being the nominee, with one possible exception.  That exception continues to be Mike Bloomberg.

If Buttigieg has a sudden drop, and Biden's drop continues, Bloomberg can bubble up into second place on Super Tuesday.  If he's a clear second, the Democratic party will have a clear choice.  Will the others clear out and make room for whoever becomes the clear second choice?  If they let their egos win out, the answer is no.  Andrew Yang is right, the others need to do the math and follow his lead.  If that happens, there will be an opportunity to really see what happens over the course of the rest of the primary season.  All of this is informing my vote in the upcoming California primary.  I'll wait until after this weeks debate to make up my mind, and see what's happened as it relates to Buttigieg's use of President Obama's quote.

I'm Beginning to Question the Intelligence of Democratic Party Leaders

The Nevada caucuses have given me lots of reasons to question the intelligence of Democratic Party leadership.  It's pretty discouraging and may be the final nail in the coffin for any of the existing candidates, at least from my perspective.  Bloomberg may have been on to something by avoiding the first four primaries, considering that two of them were caucuses.

The concept of a caucus is actually pretty cool.  A group of people get together, they split into different voting groups, and try to encourage one another to join their group.  The 15% viability concept was also interesting.  If a candidate couldn't get 15% of the vote, then their supporters could move on to a different group.  It's actually a much more complex version of ranked choice voting.  And clearly a methodology that the Democratic Party has been unable to fully comprehend and manage.

Why not just use ranked choice voting?  It would have been a much simpler approach to what the intent of caucuses was.  It would have been pretty simple to administer such a voting process.  Certainly much simpler than administering the complex goings on of a caucus.  While on paper the idea of the caucuses seems pretty straightforward, it's much more complicated and difficult to actually carry out.

The other thing about caucuses is that they are prone to peer pressure. That doesn't strike me as democratic.  What happened to the sanctity of the voting booth?  What happened to one person, one vote?  I actually hope that this will be the end of caucuses.  If either party wants to trim the lower hanging candidates and draw out the leading candidates sooner, then they should go to ranked choice voting.

Since the voting is confused once again, and the number of precincts reporting keeps going up and down, as do the numbers, the candidates are once again giving positive speeches.  They're ignoring the results and just campaigning.  I still like listening to Pete Buttigieg.  He's the most articulate of all of the candidates, republican or democrat.  I still like Mike Bloomberg, who could manage circles around anyone in the Democratic Party leadership.  I still have a decision to make.

Down to the Wire

The California Democratic Primary is in about 10 days.  Who will I vote for?  I've written about this for the past two days and have been talking about it.  I still find myself liking Pete Buttigieg.  Ironically, Amy Klobuchar might have been right about Buttigieg being the smartest candidate on the debate stage.  Her comment however, sounded like she was in 7th grade, complaining that Buttigieg "thinks he's the smartest one on the stage."  I've never heard him say that.  Honestly, I've never seen or heard him act like that.  However, Klobuchar perceives that he is coming across like that.  Clearly, somewhere in her life, she's dealt with someone who either acted like they were the smartest, or she had a negative encounter with someone that she thought acted like they were the smartest.  I believe it's a matter of perception, but I also don't think that a Presidential candidate should be concerned about it.  In fact, it comes across to me as immature.  So the 59 year old is acting immaturely, and the 38 year old, in my estimation, is acting like the adult in the room.  Things are becoming clearer to me.  I continue to like Pete Buttigieg.

What about Mike Bloomberg?  Today he came out as I'd hoped and offered to let the three women with NDA's go free from them.  That was the right response.  It takes the wind out of Warren's sails, and exposes the political nature of her attack.  She wants him to release everyone who's ever had an NDA with Bloombergs company from their NDA.  That's ridiculous.  It's not pertinent to Bloomberg, and reeks of pure attack politics.  I'm truly disappointed in Warren.  I expected better.  Plus, she's suddenly going to accept PAC money.  Why?  She needs the money!  I guess billionaires aren't so bad after all.  But back to Bloomberg.  I worry a little that he's going to be a benevolent dictator who will at least follow the law and push for the things that I believe in.  I also think that he's arguably the best candidate to actually run the government.  He might end up being a one term President, so who he picks as a V-P candidate ultimately matters a lot.  I still think that a Bloomberg/Abrams ticket would be tough to beat and positive for the future.

I could almost toss a coin.  Bloomberg will be in it for the long haul.  Buttigieg needs some positive results on super Tuesday to stay strong in the race.  Today, I'm leaning towards Buttigieg, but I might change my mind and go for Bloomberg.  No one else is close.

Presidential Campaign Thoughts

Having had a day to ponder yesterday's debate, and listen and read the pundits, I'm at least beginning to understand my instincts and feelings about this campaign.  Some of my feelings are hopeful, some of them are pragmatic.  I hope that Buttigieg is as smart and thoughtful as he seems to be.  Similarly, I hope that those who imply that he is "slick" are just being politicians.  My instincts tell me that he definitely cares, and he's definitely smart.  Of course, I had similar feelings about President Obama. In the end, I've come to wonder if the country wasn't ready for President Obama, though I have strong  feelings that President Obama might not have been ready either.  The combination was ultimately lethal.  Should that dissuade me from voting for Buttigieg? Is the country ready for him?  Regardless of whether he's the right person or whether he's ready to be the President, it may not matter if the country isn't ready for him.  Pretty complex, isn't it?

I used to tell my dad not to vote for someone who was going to lose, especially if it might lead to the wrong person winning.  Many people vote for the lesser of evils.  There's something that feels wrong about that.  Aren't we supposed to vote for the person that we feel is right for the job?  Shouldn't we let time decide whether that's the right person?  When I listen to the candidates, I've always liked Buttigieg.  I honestly believe the his heart's in the right place.  I believe that everyone else's heart is in the right place as well. I love listening to Bernie Sanders rail against the pharmaceutical companies and the uber wealthy.  However, I absolutely don't think he has a rational plan to actually take them on.  I love listening to Elizabeth Warren speak out for the average person, and speak truth to power, but I'm also not sure that she will be able to effectively engage with enough legislators and voters to garner the type of support that is needed to bring about the change that is desperately needed.

I wish that Amy Klobuchar would drop her edge, and edge that I've read can extend to how she treats those who work for her.  We need a leader who inspires those around her, not one who inspires fear.  The edge I see and feel is real, and while she says the right things, I worry that she won't be able to carry them out.  I could be wrong.  This is my hardest choice, because I think that from a policy perspective she probably leans closer to my beliefs and opinions.

I just can't get myself on the Joe Biden train.  There are lots of reasons, including how he promotes the ACA as such a tremendous achievement.  I know, in fact, that it wasn't.  President's Obama that people would be able to keep their doctors was disingenuous at best and profoundly ignorant at worst.    The ACA helped insure more people, while sending the country's health systems on a death spiral.  For many Americans, their health insurance today isn't better than it was 11 years ago.  The signature legislation that Biden loves to own has not really changed health care, it just changed health insurance.

That leaves Mike Bloomberg.  He scares me, while at the same time, I think that he might actually have the best chance not only of beating trump, but of extricating our country from the path that trump has put us on.  Maybe he'd be a one term President, and the real issue is who he would choose as a V-P candidate?  I still have to decide who to vote for in the California primary in two weeks.  I guess that I haven't decided.

Debate Musings

Tonight, I watched the debate. Lots of fireworks. No one held anything back. Lots of punches thrown, many of them parried, many of them ignored, many of them not given an opportunity to respond because of the way the moderators managed the debate. First of all, any of these candidates are better than trump. Second, I don't like some of the low blows these folks are throwing at each other. Don't treat Pete like a 12 year old genius. He deserves to be on the debate stage. When I listen to his logic and what he's trying to do, I still find him persuasive. Is he ready? Who's ever ready to be President? I continue to like Klobuchar, though I could do without some of her remarks about Pete. I'd love to have a beer with Bernie (actually, maybe not, he's too grumpy for me), but I'm afraid I agree with Pete and Bloomberg that the country isn't ready for a self-avowed socialist, not to mention that he has no clue what Medicare for All will mean to the country. The union folks in Nevada have great private health insurance. Trust me, they won't be happier with Medicare for All. Bernie lost me when he said that they'd be better off. He does that. He's got his own benevolent dictator streak. Warren is tough and smart, and there are times that I like her, and times that I can't stand her when she gets a little too nasty. She also goes too deep in some of her attacks, examples being her attacks on Buttigieg and Klobuchar's health plans. She's wrong. Biden had one of his best debate performances, but hanging on to the ACA like it's the best thing since sliced bread just eats at me. It was an important change in our healthcare system, but not nearly as great as he thinks it was/is. I also don't like the fact that he tends to go to the fact that he met with lots of foreign leaders, etc., rather than focusing on actual policy. I'm ok with his policies, but I'm worried about his health more than anyone else on the debate stage. That leaves Bloomberg. I think he held his own. I also think that he'd be an effective President. I worry that he could think of himself as a benevolent dictator, but compared to Trump, I'll take him in a heartbeat. I'm sure he'll release his tax returns in the coming weeks, that should not be an issue unless he hasn't by April or May. I'm relatively satisfied with the answers to stop and frisk, though I'm not happy with his answer to releasing women from their NDA's. My initial ranking: 1) Buttigieg, 2) Klobuchar, 3) Bloomberg, 4) Biden, 5) Warren, 6) Sanders.

Letting Go of My Demons

Personal demons are difficult to let go of.  They eat away at your insides.  They bubble up to the surface when you’re not looking.  They are not healthy.  The mind doesn’t like to let go of its demons.  Memories can’t be ignored, but over time we can choose to reflect differently on those memories.  That is the key to dealing with ones personal demons.  If we try to ignore them, we are only fooling ourselves.  If we try to forget them, we are missing the fact that memories can’t ever be completely forgotten.  In fact, efforts to ignore or forget are not only doomed to failure, but are sure to make things worse.

I thought that I was over my personal demons, but I realized that I was wrong.  Anxiety has been my curse.  It eats away at me.  But that’s only if I let it.  Anxiety is actually my signal that there are memories inside of me that I haven’t let go of, that I haven’t accepted.  Instead of reflecting on those demons, and endeavoring to understand them, I’ve let them weigh on me.  That isn’t healthy.  It’s not productive.  It’s not how I want to live.  It’s time to let go of my personal demons.

My ongoing struggle is based on the fact that I care about everyone.  It’s who I am, but it’s an impossible weight to carry.  There is no way to balance the weight of caring for everyone, for inevitably, there will be conflict amongst the varying weights that I carry.  Is it finally time for me to reflect upon each and every one of these weights, and to recognize that they are not mine to carry?  That is how I will let go of my personal demons.

I've meditated every day since the beginning of the year.  This will ultimately be the key to my ability to deal with my demons.  Meditation involves recognizing when I'm anxious and allowing myself to identify where that anxiety is coming from.  I don't need to address it immediately, but ultimately, I do need to address the root causes.  I'll call those causes my personal demons.  Once again, it is unlikely that I can rid myself of these demons, but rather I need to have a better understanding of them, so I can make better choices regarding them.  One thing is for sure, being in the moment and allowing myself not to dwell on them is an important step in the right direction.

Boycotting Israel: To What End?

The U.N. has recently released a list of companies that do business in Israel under the guise of the movement to boycott such companies.  The U.N. has been a huge frustration for many years when it comes to their treatment of Israel.  While I've pulled back recently on my political social media posts, I'm all in when it comes to this.  Anyone who truly has talent the time to try to comprehend what is going on in the middle east, knows it's an impossible situation.  There is probably not another country in the entire world that has put up with more than Israel has.  If a neighboring country constantly lobbed missiles at the United States we'd wipe them off the face of the earth.  Hiroshima. Nagasaki. Need I say more.  We don't tolerate being attacked.  We fight back.  Yet, when missiles are lobbed at Israel, the world asks them to be restrained in their response.  And that brings us to the problem at hand, the Palestinian people.

In 1948, Israel declared itself to be a country.  The United Nations accepted Israel into the world of nations.  The surrounding Arab states immediately declared war on Israel and promised to push all the Jews into the sea.  Keep in mind, prior to 1948 the British "owned" the land that Israel sits on.  Prior to the British, it was the Turks.  There was an attempt by the U.N. to split the land into a Jewish State and a Palestinian state.  The neighboring countries and the Arab world in general, refused to accept that split.  It was either destroy Israel or never give up trying.  Here we are 72 years later, and the people living in Gaza and the West Bank are without a country.  Many times in the past 72 years, they could have just become a country.  However, doing so would have been inconvenient to the plan to destroy Israel and return the Palestinians to a country that never was.

Israel has a problem.  They have chosen to occupy the land that would have and could have been a Palestinian state.  What else are they going to do?  If they don't occupy the land, there will be more missiles and more suicide bombings.  And so this goes on.  The "world" complains that Israel is not treating the occupants of these lands properly.  What are they supposed to do?  If Israel just went ahead and gave them the autonomy to become a state, what promise would Israel have regarding its own security?  None.  If Israel annexes the lands, they suddenly become a country that is supposed to be the home of the Jewish people, but it would quickly become a majority muslim country.  By the way, what's wrong with being a Jewish homeland, when most of the surrounding Arab states are essentially Muslim homelands.  Why can't the Jewish people have a country to call our own.  I can think of 6 million reasons why this is reasonable.  The boycott should make no sense to anyone who takes the time to truly understand the history.

Do Results Matter?

Yet another attempt at a faster 5K, and the result was essentially the same as the prior ones.  I can't seem to go any faster, despite my training and effort.  Today's effort actually felt pretty damn hard.  The result, however, was almost exactly the same.  Does the result matter? I always say that it's all about the journey, yet I've been trying to achieve a certain result.  I think it's time to let go of the concept of a result.  It may actually be time to do a 5K with no data whatsoever.  And it's probably time to let go of the idea of hitting a certain number.  Running a 5K should be about the feeling of running a 5K.  In that, I succeeded today.  This was hard, and it hurt.  But I didn't run any faster.  Go figure.  I never felt like I gave up, or that I purposely slowed down.  I tried to keep my pace steady, and not slow down too much on the short rollers.  I kept my breathing at every 4th step for the first half mile, and probably let it come up to every 3rd step by the end of the first mile.  The really focused on being in the moment during the second mile.  I didn't think about the next mile or the pain, and I just tried to maintain my pace.  I did slow down to near 8 minute pace on the climb to the turnaround, while noticing that my left shoelace was coming undone.  Right at the turnaround, it came undone, and I had to stop, bend over and retie my lace.  That was not easy at the halfway point of a 5K.

While breathing relatively hard, and my fingers stumbling, I tied my shoe, though it took me about 25 seconds to do so, and then I was on my way again.  After the turnaround it was a gradual downhill, though I'm not sure I really noticed, my pace settling in around 7:20.  At the end of the second mile, my time was 7:56, although in actuality, I had done the mile in ~7:31.  One more mile to go, and it was all guts.  One of my friends later told me that there was a headwind on the way back, although I never really noticed.  I was definitely hurting.  It felt hard, and I was focused on not giving into the discomfort.  The first part of the last mile was uphill, and my pace slipped to about 8:20-8:30.  I suppose that I felt it, but was trying not to notice and continued to try to push.  My breathing was hard, although I don't think I ever went into every 2nd step breathing. That's something to think about in the future.  I just tried to keep running hard, avoiding any negative thoughts.

Despite a gradual downhill over the last half of the third mile, my pace never picked up.  It barely went under 8 minute pace, although I was finally able to go faster during the last 200m to the finish, where I managed to get down to 7:20 pace.  I crossed the finish line, feeling like I'd given it my full effort today.  24:10, and second in my age group.  The guy who beat me, did so by over a minute, so nothing to wonder about.  I was passed by two guys while I tied my shoe, and was never able to catch them.  One of them, I did catch with about a half mile to go, but he passed me back and I didn't have the legs to stay with him. In retrospect, an opportunity missed to hang with someone despite the discomfort.

Do results matter?  I suppose another second place in the age group is good.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, at my age, waking up and getting to the starting line will get me on the podium of most 5K's.  But it's not really about the results.  It's about the effort.  It's about embracing the discomfort and pain and enjoying the experience.  That's the only result that matters.

5K Visualization, Again

Another 5K tomorrow.  My journey to improving my 5K time this year continues.  My last attempt a couple of weeks ago yielded no changes since my first recent 5K on Thanksgiving Day.  All of my recent 5K's have been clustered around 23 1/2 minutes.  I realized a couple of weeks ago that I just wasn't mentally engaged in the same way that I have been during Ironman's and Half Ironman's.  I haven't wrapped my brain around the mental commitment needed in a 5K.  I've learned that there are truly different types of suffering in running, and that suffering during an Ironman is different than suffering during a 5K.  Tomorrow, I continue my journey with a focus on that concept of 5K suffering.  I'll begin by visualizing today and tonight.  In fact, I began the process this morning, as I practice tomorrow's warm up.

This morning, I did an easy one mile run and then did four 400m efforts at 7 minute pace (over fairly flat segments, except for the fourth one, which was a little uphill).  I recovered for about a minute after each one.  These efforts, purposely, were not supposed to be too hard, in fact, during the first three I kept my breathing at about every 4th step.  On the fourth one, since I was running uphill, my breathing came up to every 3rd step.  I really tried hard to visualize running comfortably during these, and not getting too caught up in the pace.  This is pretty much what I'll do during my warm up tomorrow.  I then threw in a couple of hard 45 second uphill efforts with a couple of minutes of rest in between, before finishing with a 60m all out sprint (I won't do that tomorrow).  During all of this, I really tried to mentally lean in to how I was running and how it felt.  I wanted it to be comfortable.

Tomorrow, the only time that I plan to look at my watch is during the first 400m, when I will focus on starting at about 7:15 pace.  The idea is not to start too fast or too hard, which I almost always do.  Whether I need to look at my watch or not is probably an interesting question, but I guess I don't quite trust myself yet when it comes to feeling my pace and correlating that to my effort.  However, the watch goes out the window at 400, when I will switch over to running based on how I feel.  For the remainder of that first mile, I want it to feel hard, but not too hard.  I'll gauge how I feel at 400m and endeavor to keep that feeling and let it get a little harder over the rest of the first mile.  When I hit the end of mile 1, it will be time to gradually increase my effort.  Again, the goal will not be to hit the turbochargers at this point, but to lean in to the feeling of running fast and hard.  It shouldn't feel easy, and it should start feeling uncomfortable.  The turnaround is halfway, and my next goal will be to get to the 2 mile mark with room to suffer more.

This will be the ultimate test of where I am mentally in regards to running a 5K.  Can I start to truly suffer at the two mile mark?  Do I have 7 minutes and 45 seconds of pain tolerance in me at that point?  Can I truly lean in to the suffering at that point and embrace it?  In many ways, it's only going to be about 7 minutes of agony, because the last 45 seconds will be my final push, if I still have that in me at that point.  I can do anything for 45 seconds?

The only thing that I will have on my watch after the first 400m tomorrow is distance.  Even that, I will try to avoid looking at.  What I'm really asking my mind and body to do tomorrow is to suffer for about 22 minutes.  The first 7 minutes should be quite manageable, but the last 15 should definitely hurt.  I've learned in the last couple of months that I can will my legs to go fast even when they don't want to.  Those last 20 meters during an uphill sprint when my legs want to shut off, but my mind keeps them going, is the feeling I'm going to want to latch onto during the last mile tomorrow.  It's a somewhat different feeling than the last couple miles of a successful Ironman, but in other ways, it's the same.  There will be less fatigue in my legs that will be slowing me down.  There will be greater pain and suffering in my mind, or as my coach likes to say, will feel like I'm putting my hands on hot coals.  That's the suffering that goes along with a 5K.

The positive thing is that when I finish, I know that I won't be laying on the ground for 45 minutes, like I have with my best Ironman races.  I'll have to sit or lay down for a few minutes at the most, and then I'll be ready to move on with my day.  22 minutes. That's all I'm asking of myself tomorrow.  That's what I'll be visualizing today.

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day.  I started the day by giving my wife a really nice Valentine's Day card.  We first met over 43 years ago, and have been married for 37 3/4 years.  That's a lot of Valentine's Days.  I have to say that the best part of today was spending time with our grandson and giving him a Valentine's Day card.  When I watch my wife play with him, it brings me so much joy.  Whatever health issues she's dealing with, she's able to ignore them whenever she's with him.  The impact of a grandchild is remarkable.  I feel it too.  There's something akin to the fountain of youth that a grandchild brings.

Love is a special feeling.  The love for a spouse.  The love for a child.  The love for a grandchild. I'm quite fortunate to have a lot of love in my life.  Valentine's Day is a reminder of that love.  I'm reminded of that moment nearly 43 1/2 years ago when I first laid eyes on my wife.  I knew immediately that I was in love.  I don't know how, but love works in strange ways. I've been blessed to have had this love for all these years, and even more fortunate to have had the love of two wonderful daughters and now a grandson.  There's nothing that comes close in life.

Valentine's Day is a reminder of what's important to me.  I continue to work on prioritizing the things that matter to me.  There's nothing that matters more than love.  That should be the very first thing too prioritize.  While I have other things that bring me meaning and purpose, they all pale in comparison to my family.  That's what I'm thinking about on Valentine's Day

5K Progress

Today was about trying to maintain a pace.  The goal was to keep close to a 7 minute per mile pace.  The interval was 1K.  I warmed up for a mile and then hit the top of my steepest climb as hard and fast as I could for a few minutes to get the blood flowing.  I walked for a couple of minutes before beginning my first 1K interval, gradual, fairly mild downhill, upon which I kept a 7 minute per mile pace. First of all, I practiced not going out too fast or too hard, but maintaining the pace the whole way.  I walked a few minutes before doing the next 1K up the same hill, this time holding about an 8 minute pace, again keeping the pace the whole time.  My breathing on each of these was about every 3rd step, which should correspond to a hard tempo effort. I took another minute and a half before doing the next 1K, which was downhill, this one steeper, so I let my pace settle in at around 6:30 pace, allowing my breathing to be every 3rd step, but really trying to relax with the breathing and accepting the effort.  That's the challenge, going hard, but embracing the difficulty of the effort.  When I reached the 1K mark, instead of stopping, I kept running fast, not quite as hard, but fast, for another three minutes right around 7 minute pace.  This segment has a very mild downhill, so in some ways, it was almost a fourth interval of about 700m without any rest in between them.  I walked a couple of more minutes before attacking my 150m hill segment that I did my hill repeats on the other day.  I couldn't maintain the same 6:20 pace after the previous four intervals, but was happy to keep a 7:20 pace, on tired legs, again relaxing at the top so as not to slow down.  I'm really working on my brain function and how to embrace the discomfort of going fast.

In three days, I have my next 5K.  It's flat, and I've already set my goal and plan.  I'll start out at 7:15 pace for about half a mile, and then let go of the pace and just go hard.  I'll only keep distance on my watch at that point, and focus on my effort.  It will be interesting!

Life is a Puzzle

As I go about trying to sort out all the things in my life, it strikes me that life is a puzzle.  There are lots of pieces to that puzzle, and it is incumbent upon us to put those pieces together.  I have a bunch of things going on in my life and I need to sort them out.  I realized yesterday that I benefited tremendously from having an executive assistant in my last job.  I am someone who doesn't generally have the patience to focus on the details.  I appreciate the details, but attending to them is something else.  I think I've figured out where I can get help on this.  I happen to be married to someone who is great with details, and who knows me better than anyone else in the world.  Hmmmm.  We're going to talk about this in the coming days.  We'll see how it turns out.

When it comes to work related items, I definitely do better when working with detail oriented people. I'm a concept person, but again, details aren't my forte.  I'm working to identify the folks that I work with who can focus on their strengths and augment my weaknesses.  Similarly, I have the same types of issues in a number of things that I've found myself engaged in. Once again, the key is to put together a team whose combined strengths and abilities are complementary.  It isn't all that difficult, and in fact, I've got a knack for doing this.  I just need to let myself do it!

Life is a puzzle.  The pieces are out there in front of me.  Every day, I'll work to put the pieces together and see what it brings me.  Puzzles can be fun!

Training the Brain

150m uphill as fast as I can run.  Focusing on my form, and aiming to maintain a constant speed.  The  first one always goes well.  6:25 pace.  The second one goes well too.  I'm definitely breathing hard at the end, but by the time I walk down the hill to start my next interval, my breathing has slowed. The third one hurts, but I'm embracing the pain and maintaining my effort.  The hard breathing lasts a little longer as I walk down the hill.  The fourth one really hurts, but I notice that I've managed to maintain the feeling of good form and going fast the whole time up the hill.  One caveat.  As I hit the finish, I immediately bend over with my hands on my knees for a moment, in order to catch my breath and start the process of recovering as I walk down the hill.  I get to the start and my breathing is better, but slightly labored.  I'm wondering if this will be my last interval.  I start measured and it gets harder a little sooner.  With about 10-15m to go, I can feel my legs start to rebel, forcing me to up my effort, all the while embracing the discomfort that I feel.  I manage to maintain my 6:20 pace, but I'm breathing harder at the end, and once again, bend over, with my hands on my quads for a few seconds.  I think I can do one more, I think as my breathing labors and I start down the hill, though this is almost certainly my last interval.  I reach the bottom, I'm close to breathing normally, and I start anew.  My legs start out feeling fine, my breathing picks up quickly and I start breathing every second step halfway up the hill.  With about 20-30m to go, the light switch controlling my legs flickers, my brain must override that feeling, which it does, as I somehow maintain my pace to the finish.  Wow! Another interval at 6:20 pace.  But, I'm done.  I'm breathing quite hard as I walk down the hill to catch my breath. When I get to what would have been the start of yet another interval, I'm still breathing hard, although it's at least starting to slow down.  I slowly walk up the hill, comforted by the fact that I've completed six intervals.  One of my better efforts for this workout, considering that my paces were all right around 6:20 pace.  Strava will show that one of these was my fastest effort up the hill since I began doing this workout.  My brain is beginning to understand what it needs to do, especially when the light switch that controls my legs starts flickering on and off.  Push hard, breath hard, embrace the discomfort.  It's ok.  Training the Brain.

Nothing on my Mind

I really have nothing that is coming to mind today.  Considering that I'm someone who thinks too much, that's a good thing!  I'm going to leave it at that and see what tomorrow brings.

The Billionaire Myth

I watched the Democratic debate the other night.  Whether one takes money from billionaires, or is a billionaire themselves, is in vogue for at least some of the Democratic candidates.  In a way, I understand.  It's seems unfair that a billionaire can spend his or her own money instead of getting donations from other citizens, or other billionaires for that matter.  There's a huge assumption that goes along with this, and that is that money actually buys votes.  Now, I'm not naive. Name recognition is one of the most important things for a political candidate.  Using money to advertise is certainly one way to achieve name recognition.  There's no question but that money is important to a political candidate. How one get that money is part of what's bubbled to the top of the Democratic debate state.  Do you raise the money from the average voter, in increments of $5, $10, $20?  Do you raise the money from wealthy people who maximize their donation at $2,800 or donate unlimited amounts to political action committees?  Do you get billionaires to call their friends and have them donate?  In the end it's still probably some type of a game.  Whatever approach that you take, you have to figure out how to make it work.  That's where the gamesmanship comes into play.  Because, in order to compete on a national level, you must have money, and lots of it.  But what about places like Iowa, where candidates meet with individuals in their homes and press the flesh with actual people?  Did money help?  Joe Biden had lots of money and got just under 16% of the vote.  Bernie Sanders gets most of his money from small donations, and he got ~25% of the vote.  Elizabeth Warren has sworn off billionaires (now, at least, but not in the past) and got 18% of the vote.  Mike Bloomberg decided not to even engage in Iowa.  Hmmm.  If buying votes is so easy, why didn't he just buy Iowa?

Can Mike Bloomberg buy an election?  Is it ok for him to try?  How stupid are the American people? Maybe I shouldn't ask that question.  If Bloomberg buys lots of air time, it's still incumbent upon him to put up good ads.  Lousy ads will not help him buy votes.  Tom Steyer has spent tons of money in the last few years for airtime that was incredibly boring.  I have only been impressed with him lately on the debate stage, but never from his expensive ads in the past.  I like Bloombergs ads, but all they've done is encouraged me to look at his record.

Can Mike Bloomberg buy an election?  Can he actually buy votes?  Of course not.  He can buy airtime.  He can put money into  building an effective campaign infrastructure.  Hmmm. The other candidates have had lots of money to spend on infrastructure.  What did that buy Biden in Iowas? No one's talking about how Bernie Sanders only got 25% of the Iowa vote, half of what he got four years ago.  Why did half of his supporters decide to choose other candidates in the intervening four years?

Whether you think that American voters are stupid or not, one thing is for certain, the American people have the freedom to vote for the candidate of their choice.  Does it really matter how that candidate gets on the ballot?  Name recognition? Lots of advertising dollars? A good debate performance?  Great ads?  Excellent campaign infrastructure?  If it was so easy for billionaires to becomes president, trump wouldn't have been the first.  Besides, he didn't overwhelm the political system with his money.  In fact, he pulled off an incredible scam.  He got people to give him money!

Mike Bloomberg will not be beholding to any special interest, because he takes no money from anyone.  At least that's what he says.  I'm inclined to believe him.  Of course, one could say that means he's only beholding to himself.  Well, if that's the case, we'll all have to judge what that means.  We can start by looking at his record as mayor of NYC.  We can look at the causes he's bankrolled.  We can look where he stands on the issues.  And then we can vote.  Billionaires or not, when it comes time to check off a name on the ballot, we, the American people. have the last word.

Realistic Goals

Running in Washington D.C. yesterday was somewhat of an eye opener.  I managed to run 400’s and 500’s @ ~6:40-7:00 pace.  But I couldn’t really pull it together to go further at that pace.  Hmmm. Either I’m still not mentally there, or I’m not actually physically there yet.  Ironically, my 7:20 pace at the beginning of my 5K’s seems to be in perspective.  I’ve got some improving to do.  This is pretty much typical me.  I always set the bar higher than what I can do.  It gives me something to strive for.  That’s who I am.  Realistic expectations don’t really capture how I roll.  

My goal for 2020 is to do a 5K in 20:20. I don’t know if I’ll achieve that.  I don’t know if I’ll come close to it.  But, I’ll love trying!  Fortunately, I don’t get down on myself when I don’t get to my somewhat lofty goals.  Not only have I always been like this in sport, but in other aspects of my life.  Did I expect responses to my letters to Manachem Begin, Ronald Reagan or Bill Clinton?  Well, I hoped that I might get a response, and I don’t think that I really considered not getting a response.  I only considered trying.  I guess I was following Yoda’s advice.

On the other hand, as I try to decide what to focus on and how to prioritize my life, I might want to actually try being realistic.  Being a workaholic doesn’t necessarily lend itself well to setting somewhat lofty goals.  That might actually be a prescription for reaching too far and setting myself up for getting overwhelmed.  Realistic expectations might actually be a good idea.  

When it comes to the 5K, however, I’ll stick with my lofty goal. I find the reaching for that high bar is a little more invigorating.  It’s easier to get the adrenaline flowing.  Waking up in the morning and putting on my running shoes to go out for that workout is just a little bit easier when the goal is higher.  That’s probably also the reason I set lofty goals for other things, but I may have to settle for using my 5K goal for that purpose.

Let Us Judge Not

As I read Lincoln's 2nd Inaugural Address this morning, from within the confines of the Lincoln Memorial, I stopped on these words, "but let us judge not, that we be not judged."  This apparently comes from Matthew 7:1, and the words really connected with me. It's been too easy in our politically charged and polarized environment to pass judgement on other human beings.  Lincoln also said, "Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God, and each invokes his aid against the other." How telling in today's times.  I've always leaned very heavily towards being non-judgmental.  Over the last several years, I've been tested in regards to this trait.  I consider today to be a wake up call.  It was a reminder that in my experience, we all have much more in common than we have differences.  Sure, we can find some specific issues, and some of those issues have great chasms between us.  On the other hand, when one digs deeper, I believe that we find that we all share more values than we might otherwise think.  We just need to avoid making assumptions about what others feel.

We're entering the home stretch of a presidential campaign.  Rhetoric will flow on both sides.  It's a shame that we all can't put the rhetoric aside and carry on with a healthy civil discourse.  With that said, I am committing myself to do just that.  I will endeavor to catch myself if I stray from this path. On one hand, I've been pretty good about this.  I have friends who are political polar opposites, and I still consider them to be friends.  Friendship means far more to me than a disagreement over words and perceptions.  The people whom I consider to be friends, I trust their moral compass and therefore words and specific political leanings are just switches on a railroad track.  I plan on arriving at the same destination as my friends.

Let us judge not.  The civil war is a historical moment in and of itself.  To think about what our country went through, less than a century after the American Revolution, must give us pause.  Here we are, over 150 years later, and we've come so far in many ways.  The world has changed from a technologic perspective.  Maybe the immediacy of social media and information is too much for individuals to handle.  Perhaps we react too quickly, respond too soon.  Let us judge not.  We're not dealing with slavery.  We live in what is arguably one of the freest society's in the world.  We take for granted what many would consider to be luxuries.  We argue over and complain about things that have limited certainty.  Let us judge not.

I'm going to look forward to the coming months.  I'm going to focus on being a little less serious, and a lot more curious.  Curiosity is a gift.  Being open to all ideas is something that we as human beings are fortunate to have.  We all come to conclusions at different speeds, and then we're still capable of changing our minds.  There is little certainty in life.  The sun will rise and set, but beyond that, anything can happen.  Let us judge not.

Focusing on Clear Priorities

I was talking to a friend/colleague today and was describing the three things that I'm making my top priorities.  I'm doing these three things because I enjoy them and because I believe that they can have a positive influence on future generations.  Then, there are other things that I distract myself with.  Things that I find need change, but don't really lend themselves to any practical approach to effecting actual change.  I'm going to need to talk to myself about this on a regular basis.  Why I want to spend valuable time worrying about, expending passion/energy on, isn't practical.  Nor is it actually healthy.  I'm literally fighting with myself when I do this. I feel a need to do something, but the reality is that there's little I can truly accomplish.

On the other hand, the three things that I've been prioritizing, are things that I have varying degrees of control over, and plausible impact resulting from them.  Hmmm. This isn't too difficult.  Since I often try to relate my life's goals to triathlon or running, I'll take a shot at that here.  If I'm trying to improve my 5K time, I don't focus on running 20 miles.  I don't try to do workouts that are not physically possible.  There are only so many days in a week.  It's ironic, but I generally have three run workouts to focus on each week.  I guess the number three is the right number!

The other thing about focusing on priorities is not to tie myself to results.  Even though I've chosen priorities that have a greater likelihood of having results, I still don't want to tie myself to those results.  That's how I get into trouble.  That's how my heart and gut fight with one another.  That's how I end up going down an unhealthy path.  Stay in the moment, focus on things that matter to me, and enjoy the journey.  It's a journey that will focus on clear priorities.

Distractions

As I work on prioritizing the things that matter the most to me, the things I want to devote my time to, the things that fill me with a sense of purpose, I realize that I must deal with distractions.  Distractions are exactly what they sound like.  They are things that take time away from the things that matter.  They also are opportunities for provoking anxiety.  The elections, the president, homelessness, you name it.  These are important things, and to a political junkie like myself, things that I've always been interested in.  Unfortunately, I've also taken these things quite seriously since I was a kid.  Too seriously, at this point in my life.  I'm not going to change these things, and any energy I spend on them, is energy that could have been spent elsewhere.  Energy that could have been spent on the things that matter the most to me.

It's time for me to recognize the distractions in my life.  It's time for me to realize that these distractions are not helpful to my most important goals.  What I think I've never truly comprehended is the negative impact distractions have when it comes to added stress.  I've always been someone who feels strongly about making a difference.  The more scattered that is, the more things that I try to make a difference in, the less effective I will beat any of them.  That makes total sense, but I haven't effectively adopted the necessary strategies to avoid these distractions.

We are living in a world of instant information.  Social media, news, etc., we can get information immediately. Information comes to us constantly.  It's too much.  I love to think, but being focused is the key.  It's just like running a business, where maintaining focus is a critical element for success.  Focusing my energy and focus on my most important priorities is my greatest challenge.  Letting the distractions float away must be one of my priorities.  It's time to get rid of the distractions.

Time Waits for No Man

Strike when the iron is hot!  It is remarkable to me how often opportunities are lost by inaction.  Whether in business, or in life, time waits for no man.  Opportunities present themselves to us.  In the moment, we sometimes need to make a split second decision.  Other times, we need to ponder for a finite amount of time before making a decision. How long that finite amount of time is can vary.  It can be a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, or even a few months, depending on the decision itself.  The determination as to the importance and impact of the timing of making that decision needs to happen as quickly as humanly possible, for obvious reasons.  If a split second decision is necessary, taking a few minutes to decide will miss the opportunity, and so on and so forth.

Some of the challenges of delayed decision making have to do with paralysis by analysis.  If you look long and hard enough, you will always see impediments.  Clearly, if you don't look at all you can easily fall into a hole and make a poor decision.  There is a balance, as there is with everything.  Primarily, a delayed decision misses the emotional opportunity to address an issue in real time, when those involved are most engaged.  Waiting creates space that can quickly be filled by other opportunities, whether alternatives or unrelated.  Nature abhors a vacuum. Time waits for no man.

Procrastination challenges many of us, and for many reasons.  Sometimes it's fear of failure that keeps us from getting things done.  Sometimes it's fear of success.  We can be paralyzed by various fears and self doubts that keep us from moving forward.  Then there's just the lack of confidence in what we are proposing to do.  Perfection is the enemy of the good.  If we wait until everything is perfect, we will almost always have waited too long.  Most times one has to find comfort and confidence in what they know and move forward with it at the time.  Time waits for no man.

Anxiety is a Bitch

I continue to struggle with anxiety.  There's an irony to that as it relates to my last blog.  In doing my Headspace meditation for anxiety, the concept of identifying the feeling and noting it recently was added to my process.  My daughter had warned me that this might be too much to add on to the meditative process.  I think that I understand why.  The feeling that kept coming into my head was fear. What am I afraid of?  It is definitely ironic that I just related my inability to run a faster 5K despite what appears to be adequate training to the fear of pushing hard enough.  When we're afraid, we certainly try to avoid that fear.  We try to find other outlets.  We try to avoid the fear.

My typical approach to identifying the things that are bothering me, the things that bring about my anxiety, are to dream about them. My wife asked me if I write these things down.  I said sometimes, but in fact, it's rare, except the occasions that I blog about them.  Writing them down is an important technique, and something that I need to practice.  When the anxiety provoking thoughts and feelings find their way to the surface, they need to be captured, so that they can ultimately be dealt with. Instead, letting them sink back into the subconscious is certainly not an effective way of dealing with them.

The subconscious. That's where all of these anxiety provoking feelings hide.  It's why, at times, I can feel the swell of panic rising in my chest for no reason.  Not because something has happened, thought it might have, that triggered that specific emotion.  In fact, it's usually because the volume of stuff floating about in my subconscious has just gotten too big. That's when I feel unsettled.  In those meditative moment that I can note the feeling, perhaps I can identify where it came from.  Then, and only then, can I address it, deal with it.  Anxiety is a bitch, but anything can be.  If we ignore it, it doesn't go away.  We have to deal with it.

No Fear (Originally titled Will Power)

In rehashing my 5K I've come to realize that physically I should be prepared to run faster.  Somehow, mentally, I'm not.  I was explaining to my wife the relative difference between the all out effort at the end of an Ironman versus the all out effort at the end of a 5K.  They are different.  I can remember the last two miles at Ironman Chattanooga, my fastest Ironman ever.  I was breathing hard, grunting with every other foot strike.  Every ounce of my being was focused on going as hard and as fast as I could.  During an Ironman, the feeling I would get when I sped up to much was one of overwhelming fatigue, like a light switch that was literally on a hair trigger about to got off.  I remember that feeling at Ironman St. George in 2012 during the last couple miles of the run.

The last two miles of a 5K are different.  Trying to run as fast as I can without the balance of overwhelming fatigue brought on by 10-12 hours of swimming, biking and running is a completely different animal.  I used to know how it felt.  I'm struggling to find that feeling again.  Right now, my central governor is winning this battle.  I can run fast for 200m.  I can run fast for 400m.  But I know I'm about to rest, allowing me to push my body harder for that 40 or 85 second period of time. The first mile has usually been my fastest. I can go out fast.  I can suffer for a mile.  The second mile has usually been my challenge.  It's when my mind starts chiming in, when the central governor says to me, you can't go this fast.  Somehow, during the third mile, I find some strength, unless I don't, which when I think about it, I usually struggle.  Oftentimes, as I come to the finish line, my legs find some short term speed, letting me know that my central governor was actually winning prior to that moment.

There have been a couple of exceptions to this story.  My fastest 5K, on my 49th birthday, was one of those.  I was in the zone.  There were no doubts. When a young kid came past me near the end of the 2nd mile, I literally laughed inside and stayed with him, until he broke.  I'd usually be the one to break.  Not on that day.  It was like the day I ran my best sprint triathlon.  There was no fear.

No Fear.  Maybe that's what it's all about.  Ironically, maybe my 5K focus this year can meld with my life's focus.  No Fear.  Our central governor works in strange ways.  It thinks that it's comforting us.  It thinks that it's protecting us.  While that may be true at times, at other times it's just plain wrong.  And so, I move up to running 800m repeats.  In some ways, 200's and 400's have been too easy, too comfortable.  Let's see what 800m repeats without quite enough rest in between do for my central governor, and my fear.

First 5K of 2020

Well, I didn't even beat my time from my Thanksgiving Day 5K.  I came within a few seconds of it, so I'm essentially stuck at a 5K pace of ~7:43/mile.  There were some differences today.  I tried not to start out too fast or too hard, and ended up maintaining a fairly even pace throughout the race.  My first mile was done in 7:26, and the next two miles were done in ~7:50.  I ran hard, though I'm not sure that I gave it an all guts effort.  On the scale of running effort, I'd probably call today's effort a hard Tempo.  That gives me somewhere to start for the year.  I think that I probably settled into a familiar running pattern, and by that I mean my mechanics were that of a 5K run at 7:43 pace.  I'm not sure that I committed to the mechanics needed to run at 7 minute pace, or even less.  Whether I had the effort in me, I'm not sure.  One thing that I've learned from endurance running is that we can have a hard effort at slower paces, based primarily on our mechanics.

The first 200m were on a track, and I believe that I was running at close to 6:30 pace for this portion, but once I got out on the road, that pace seemed to drop off.  Whether it was the people around me, the asphalt, or just me, I didn't seem able to commit to that sub 7 minute pace that I'd planned to run the first mile in.  In fact, as soon as my pace went about 7:00, my mind let go of that goal and seemed to be comfortable with something closer to what I ended up at.  In fact, once I realized that was my pace, I was able to hold it.  The second mile involved a little more climbing, and that put me at a little slower pace from the get go.  As the pace slowed, I made a conscious effort to keep it closer to 7:50, which I was able to do.  The third mile was an opportunity to let go, as it began with a downhill, but again, I just couldn't commit to running faster than 7:30 pace, and when the road pitched up briefly, I just couldn't keep that.  As I hit the track at the end, I focused on my leg turnover and tried to run fast, which, in fact, I did.  My final tenth of a mile was right around 7:10 pace, so it was possible.

While my 5K time wasn't improved I felt good today.  Six days ago, I could hardly get out of bed because my back had spasmed.  My hamstrings and back did fine today.  I guess there are small victories.  I don't know my placement, but I'm not sure that I saw many people who looked my age in front of me.  I suppose that running a 5K at 7:43 pace is still not bad at the age of 60.