Home Again, Naturally

I rode my bike for nearly 3 1/2 hours today.  I felt like I was home, literally.  There is no question but that Kona took a lot out of me.  I trained hard.  I raced hard, despite being sick.  When I finished, I felt like I was done.  It makes sense.  My body was depleted.  I'd reached the pinnacle of my dreams for Ironman racing.  Yet, for the past 4 1/2 months, something has been missing.  During my bike ride today, I realized that I wasn't depressed.  In a way, it was an odd realization.  Upon reflection, it meant that I've been depressed.  I've been trying to find the right course for myself.  For many years, the training that I did for Ironman seemed to be the right course.  I've always had an affinity for triathlon, and always seemed to be drawn towards Ironman.  With that said, I've often been in denial, saying that I did this crazy Ironman thing for my health.  It turns out that I love the training.  I felt at peace the other day swimming for an hour straight, not bothering to try to swim as hard as I could, but focusing on enjoying the motion and the flow of swimming for an hour straight.  I could have swam longer.  It would have been fine.  For someone like myself, who is Type A and always pushing, this is healthy.  When I ran yesterday for nearly two hours, it felt right. I didn't try to break any speed records, I just enjoyed the flow of running and the peacefulness and mindfulness of being outside an moving.  Today, it felt right to wake up and get on my bike.  I wasn't trying to prove anything, although I was curious how my legs and body would respond having not been on my bike for over two months.  Damn, I rode my bike for nearly 3 1/2 hours.  I felt fine.  I felt at peace.  I felt happy. I felt good.

The human body and the mind are amazing.  I'm sure that I've struggled physiologically since I pounded myself into oblivion at Kona.  Kona was a culmination of a lot of things.  I loved my week there, despite the fact that I was pretty miserable due to my sinus infection.  Since coming back, I've forgotten about that.  I should be at a point in my life where I allow myself to focus on what makes me happy.  Why not?  I know that trying to help people is good.  In many ways, I gain satisfaction from doing so.   But, does it make me happy?  To a degree, and to that degree, I can give some of my time.

Time.  That's the real question.  There are so many hours in a day.  What I do with my time should be up to me.  I should decide what brings me joy and focus on that.  One thing is for sure.  This week has taught me that swimming, biking and running does bring me joy.  Over the next several days, it's time to hone in on the other things that I do with my life.  Most of these things bring me mental satisfaction.  They allow me to use my brain.  There's some degree of joy in that.  Problem solving can be fun!  The key is balance.  I've never been good at balance.

I remember when I was in high school.  I had decided to graduate a year early,  but came to the conclusion that I should actually enjoy my senior year in college.  I ended up going part time to Cal State Long Beach, but I did take the time to enjoy my last year of high school.  That might have been the last time that I effectively made such a decision.  When I retired for the first time, this was what I meant to do, but other things got in the way and that approach got derailed.

I have the start.  I feel like I'm home again, naturally.