Hitting the Wall

I hit the wall this week.  It shouldn't be too surprising.  10 1/2 months of literally going at 100mph will do that to you.  My first sign that I'd hit the wall came on Monday, when, during a short run, I tripped and fell face first.  Scraped, bloody and bruised, I finished my run, cleaned myself up, and went about my day.  This wasn't the first fall of my life during a run.  Over the last two decades, I've had multiple running related falls, often coinciding with times in my life when I've allowed the driven inner me completely loose.  That should come as no surprise.  Our bodies have a way of communicating with our brains when the brain isn't listening.  This was one of those times.  By the time I got to the end of the week, I had so many bells going off it was hard to keep up with them.  

This is my life long struggle.  Trying to make a difference, balanced with the tendency of an obsessive compulsive workaholic.  One thing is perfectly clear.  When I put my mind towards something, I can accomplish a lot.  That's definitely the Ironman in me.  Never give up, never retreat. It's no wonder I love military analogies.  Many times over the past 10 1/2 months I've told myself that I never wanted to look back and ask myself if I'd done "enough."  I'm confident that will never happen.  My resume from the past year might be a lifetime of work for some, and definitely several years for many.  But that type of herculean effort comes with a price.  I hit the wall this week.

One of my mentors counseled me early on during the pandemic to be careful not to get over the tips of my skis. It's a great analogy, but also one that is spot on.  If your are to be a highly successful skier you will inevitably be at a precarious balance over the tips of your skis.  As have I been this past year.  With that type of balance, one will crash every so often.  Too many crashes and you will not succeed.  I've thankfully been relatively crash free.  When you do crash, hopefully you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue on.  That's how it's been for the greater part of a year, until this week.  I did manage to get up from my fall and find the energy to do a 200m segment at 5:30/mile pace.  Unfortunately, the fall wasn't my only crash this week.  The other one related to my other efforts and ultimately hit me a lot harder than I'd thought it would.  I definitely hit the wall.

Over the years, when I hit a wall I really try to look at it as an opportunity to reassess and recalibrate.  The timing couldn't be better.  Four years of incompetent and dangerous federal leadership will be over this coming week.  I have careened from policy issue to policy issue over the past year, trying my best to focus on the most important topic at hand at any given time.  And here I am, having hit the wall.  I remember my bicycle crash in 2009 and the acknowledgement of the need to go slowly and appreciate the world around me. I think that it's time for that again.  I must wonder if and when that will define the rest of my life?  Perhaps after 61 years of pushing myself, it may not be too much to ask of myself at this point.  One plants seeds, and then watches them grow.  I've planted many seeds during my life, I can continue to water them, but do I really need to plant any more?