I've been desperately trying to find my balance, and regularly screwing it up. Today was a prime example. I'm no longer able to juggle all of the competing aspects of my life. I'm not sure that I ever have been, but I've convinced myself otherwise many times. I talk about how my family comes first, but I continually let work get in the way. What is really screwed up is that I'm retired! I need an intervention.
I suppose calling yourself out for needing an intervention is much better than having the people who love you sit you down and telling you that you need one. I am going to need help. That's key. I have proven time and again that I am unable to do this by myself. Left to my own devices, I say yes to everything that comes my way. That's the irony of anyone suggesting that I put anything less than a full-time effort into my last job running a nursing home chain. I've never had a full-time job where I've put in even close to 40 hours a week! I've always put in a lot more. Now that I'm retired, I suppose that could explain why I'm floundering to find my proper balance. My time is essentially unlimited. That's why I need an intervention!
I have an Ironman coming up, but have already realized that I can not, should not, and will not set any expectations. It would be great if I were prepared for it. It would also be great if I wasn't fully prepared, and just enjoyed the day and finished before the requisite 17 hour limit. I've never paced myself through an Ironman that way, this could be a first time. Imagine taking some extra time during transition (naw, that will probably never happen for me, it's not in my DNA, besides, it's wasted time)? More appropriate would be to take extra time hydrating and nourishing for the first half of the bike (or more), and during the first few miles of the run (or more). Taking time to recover from the impact of each discipline would go a long way towards finishing comfortably, and actually taking time to enjoy the landscape and the experience. This is definitely an option, one which will be dictated by what happens over the next 12 weeks. With that said, when all is said and done, Ironman should remain my healthy purpose, or rather my healthful purpose.
My "work" life has become a love:hate relationship. First, to be clear, I'm not actually "working." I'm retired! I work for purpose. That purpose has to do with helping others. But, for the last forty years that obsession has been to the detriment of my family life. At the age of 62, with a forty year anniversary coming up in May, it is longer healthy. It never was, but I managed. I can't manage any longer. Being a husband, a dad and a grandpa is too enjoyable to sacrifice. It's time. But, knowing how much I've been trying to get there myself over the past few years, it is clear that I need an intervention.
But there are limits to purpose. Especially when it consumes every waking moment and detracts from the other things that bring you joy. I wish I could separate them, but I can not. It hasn't helped that we've been in the middle of a pandemic, and a quasi-dystopian world that has highlighted all of my expertise and skills. Purpose. Yeah, maybe there's a limit to purpose. That's why I need an intervention.
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